The Marauder's Advice Column
by Bassoonish Eicher
Summary: In the Gryffindor Common Room, on the bulletin board, there was a sheet of paper to be found. It was obviously an advice column, written by the most famed pranksters of all Hogwart's History.
1. The Start

Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs

Purveyors of Aids to Magical Mischief-Makers

are proud to present

The Marauder's Advice Column

**Marauders:**

**Who are you really?**

**A Concerned Student**

Mr. Padfoot would like to point out that the Marauders are not at liberty to discuss their true identities, and that this is an advice column, not a get students-who-are-trying-to-help in trouble column.

Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Padfoot, and would like to add that such a column does exist, and can be found in the Slimy Slitherns section of the school paper.

Mr. Moony would like to assure the Concerned Student that the Marauders aren't out to humiliate anybody, lest it be Snape.

Mr. Wormtail agrees with Mr. Moony, and wishes for chocolate pudding.

Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Wormtail's wishing for pudding, and believes Mr. Padfoot should go fetch the Marauders some.

Mr. Padfoot believes Mr. Moony should do the fetching of the chocolate pudding.

Mr. Moony thinks the Marauders should attempt to stay on subject.

Mr. Prongs gets bored when staying on subject.

Mr. Moony doesn't care.

Mr. Wormtail wants chocolate pudding.

Mr. Padfoot wants doughnuts.

Mr. Prongs is observing the twitching in Mr. Moony's eye, and thinks they ought to abandon ship and move to the next question.

Mr. Moon is appalled that he agrees with Mr. Prongs.

* * *

**Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, and Padfoot:**

**Can somebody really go get some chocolate pudding? I really want some.**

**Mr. Prongs**

Mr. Moony would ask that Mr. Prongs not abuse the Marauder's Advice Column, and that Mr. Prongs get his own pudding if he really wants it that badly.

Mr. Padfoot agrees that Mr. Prongs should get his own pudding, and asks that Mr. Prongs bring him a doughnut or five if he's going to the kitchens.

Mr. Wormtail still wishes for chocolate pudding.

Mr. Prongs would like to remind Mr. Moony that The Marauder's Advice Column was built to be abused, and that the Marauders should stay on the current topic: getting Mr. Prongs chocolate pudding.

Mr. Moony would like to remind Mr. Prongs that The Marauder's Advice Column is currently being monitored by Professor McGonagall , and that Mr. Prongs does not need chocolate pudding. Mr. Moony would also like to remind Mr. Padfoot that students aren't supposed to know where the kitchens are.

Mr. Padfoot would like Mr. Moony to stop ruining his fun.

Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Padfoot.

Mr. Moony is declaring this the end of the discussion.

Mr. Wormtail didn't know it was a discussion.

Mr. Prongs still wants Mr. Moony to stop ruining their fun.

* * *

**Marauders:**

**Is there a magical equivalent of the Muggle DVD player?**

**Muggleborn 1****st**** year**

Mr. Wormtail would like to ask what a DVD player is, what it does, and if there is any chance of getting chocolate pudding in the near future.

Mr. Prongs would also like to ask what a DVD player does, and if there is any hope for chocolate pudding.

Mr. Moony is completely amazed that Mr. Prongs was paying attention in Muggle Studies enough to know what a DVD Player is, and would like for chocolate pudding not to be brought up again. Mr. Moony believes there isn't a magical equivalent of the Muggle DVD player, but one should be made.

Mr. Wormtail is still wondering what a DVD player is.

Mr. Prongs would like to know what a DVD player does.

Mr. Moony thinks Mr. Prongs should pay better attention in Muggle Studies.

Mr. Prongs believes Muggle Studies is a pointless class in which no information is useful.

Mr. Moony knows Mr. Prongs cannot join the MLE unless he passes the Muggle Studies NEWT, and the Muggle Studies would not be a requirement for the MLE unless the knowledge gained would be used.

Mr. Prongs has no comment.

Mr. Wormtail does not like being ignored.

Mr. Moony apologizes for ignoring Mr. Wormtail, and would like to inquire as to Mr. Padfoot's mysterious absence.

Mr. Prongs believes Mr. Padfoot is fetching chocolate pudding and five doughnuts from the kitchens students aren't supposed to know about.

Mr. Padfoot would like to announce the arrival of five doughnuts and chocolate pudding.

Mr. Wormtail wants some of the chocolate pudding.

* * *

_Disclaimer:_ I don't own the maurders, though I really wish I did.

_Author's note:_ And htis is where I ran out of inspiration. Any inspiration you can offer would be most welcome. Otherwise this story might not get much farhter than this. So please review, amd maybe with something that I can put in the story. Thanks, and REVIEW.


	2. Title Page

Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs

Purveyors of Aids to Magical Mischief-Makers

are proud to present

The Marauder's Advice Column

**Marauders:**

**What's the best way to humiliate a Gryffindor?**

**A Concerned Student**

Mr. Prongs believes that the concerned student is a Slimy Slytherin and should be ignored.

Mr. Padfoot agrees with Mr. Prongs and believes a prank is due to the Slimy Slytherins.

Mr. Wormtail agrees.

Mr. Prongs agrees that the Slimy Slytherins are overdue for a good pranking.

Mr. Moony would like to remind the Marauders that the advice is still being monitored by Professor McGonagall, and would like to add that the best way to humiliate a Gryffindor is to pretend to be one.

Mr. Padfoot agrees with Mr. Moony that pretending to be a Gryffindor is the best way to humiliate them.

Mr. Prongs still thinks the Slytherins need a good pranking.

Mr. Wormtail thinks that the best way to humiliate a Gryffindor is to paint Gryffindor colors in the Slytherin common room.

Mr. Padfoot is amazed that Mr. Wormtail said something that long.

Mr. Moony wants to move on to the next question.

* * *

**Marauders:**

**There is this guy that I really really like, but he's a total jerk to my friends. What should I do?**

**Indecisive Girl**

Mr. Prongs doesn't understand what the problem is.

Mr. Padfoot thinks that Mr. Prongs is insensitive.

Mr. Prongs does not think he's insensitive.

Mr. Moony thinks the Marauders should focus on the problem.

Mr. Wormtail agrees with Messrs. Moony and Padfoot, and thinks Mr. Prongs should get a heart.

Mr. Prongs disagrees.

Mr. Padfoot thinks that the Indecisive Girl should tell the guy her feelings, and hope that he changes.

Mr. Moony thinks Messrs. Padfoot and Prongs are both insensitive, and think the best thing to do is tell him and talk with him about the problem.

Mr. Wormtail agrees with Mr. Moony, and thinks that you should leave him if he can't be nice to your friends.

* * *

**Marauders:**

**How did you manage to get slime balls to follow and pelt the Slytherins? **

**Fellow Prankster**

Mr. Moony is not willing to discuss this on a public advice column.

Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony, and advises that the Fellow Prankster should find the Marauders in person if they wish to know.

Mr. Padfoot also agrees with Messrs. Moony and Prongs, but thinks it should be obvious.

Mr. Wormtail was the test subject, and thinks that it was a very cruel prank.

* * *

**Messrs. Moony, Padfoot, and Prongs:**

**How do I get you to stop using me as the test subject?**

**Mr. Wormtail**

Mr. Prongs thinks Mr. Wormtail should stand up for himself and tell us not to use him as the test subject.

Mr. Padfoot disagrees with Mr. Prongs, and knows that the Marauders will continue to use Mr. Wormtail as the test subject regardless of his standing up for himself.

Mr. Moony wonders why this question was brought up, seeing as the test subjects were always Slytherins and Mr. Wormtail just gets caught in the pranks.

Mr. Wormtail remembers now, and wishes he weren't so stupid.

Mr. Wormtail would like for Mr. Padfoot to give his parchment back, and stop posing as Mr. Wormtail.

Mr. Padfoot denies having done anything wrong.

Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Wormtail, but thinks it is fun to have two Mr. Wormtails.

Mr. Moony asks that Mr. Padfoot gives the parchment back to Mr. Wormtail.

* * *

**Messrs. Moony, Padfoot, and Prongs:**

**How do I get the girls to like me?**

**Mr. Wormtail**

Mr. Moony is very mad at Mr. Padfoot for posing as Mr. Wormtail.

Mr. Padfoot would never do such a thing.

Mr. Moony knows Mr. Padfoot would and has done such a thing.

Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony and asks that Mr. Padfoot give Mr. Wormtail his parchment back.

Mr. Padfoot disagrees, and thinks that the best way for Mr. Wormtail to get girls to like him is for him to grow a mullet.

Mr. Prongs thinks Mr. Padfoot should really give Mr. Wormtail back his parchment as Mr. Moony is heading over to fix the problem.

* * *

_Disclaimer:_ I don't own the Mrauders, I wish I did though..

_Author's Note:_ I had some great review and those really made me want to update, so thanks for the reviews! On a side note, I want to get you wonderful reviewers involded with this story, and I lack creativity, so **leave a review with a good question for the Marauder's Advice Column**, and it will probably be on the next chapter. Thanks!


	3. Page 3

Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs

Purveyors of Aids to Magical Mischief-Makers

are proud to present

The Marauder's Advice Column

**Marauders:  
One of my friends is in denial of liking this guy who likes her and is convinced he is just asking her out because she is the only girl that will say 'no' to him. How do I get her to see the truth?  
Concerned Friend**

Mr. Prongs thinks that the Concerned Friend shouldn't interfere in her friend's life so much.

Mr. Padfoot claims that Mr. Prongs has no heart, and thinks that the Concerned Friend should tell her friend the truth and hope she understands.

Mr. Wormtail agrees with Mr. Prongs.

Mr. Moony thinks that Messrs. Prongs and Wormtail are insensitive, and agrees with Mr. Padfoot and wishes the Concerned Friend the best of luck.

* * *

**Marauders:**

**What is the best was to annoy Snivellus?**

**Fellow Prankster**

Mr. Padfoot thinks that the Fellow Prankster should purchase an inordinate amount of Filibuster's Fireworks, and give them to Peeves with the express orders to follow Snivellus.

Mr. Prongs agrees, and would like to add that charming his robes bright red and gold would also suffice.

Mr. Moony agrees with Messrs. Padfoot and Prongs and would also like to add that Peeves can be very helpful in this venture.

Mr. Wormtail would like to add that Peeves will do almost anything for a crate of dungbombs.

Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Wormtail, and suggests that our Fellow Prankster also gives Peeves buckets of red and gold paint.

Mr. Padfoot thinks magic sparkles be added to the paint.

Mr. Moony thinks that the Fellow Prankster should look up the insomnia inducing spell as well as the private music spell.

Mr. Padfoot thinks that Mr. Moony has a great idea, and is astonished that the Marauders haven't done that to Snivellus yet.

* * *

**Messrs. Moony, Prongs, and Wormtail:**

**Who came up with the name Snivellus? **

**Mr. Padfoot**

Mr. Moony remembers it was Mr. Prongs.

Mr. Wormtail agrees with Mr. Moony.

Mr. Prongs doesn't remember being the one to come up with.

Mr. Padfoot thinks it must've been the ingeniousness of Mr. Moony to come up with it.

Mr. Moony thanks Mr. Padfoot for the compliment, disagrees, and thinks it was Mr. Prongs.

Mr. Wormtail doesn't know what to think.

Mr. Prongs remembers now, and agrees with Messrs. Moony and Wormtail.

Mr. Padfoot must agree with Mr. Prongs.

* * *

**Dear Marauders, **

**How do I get my friend to wash his hair?**

**Disgusted Friend**

Mr. Prongs thinks that the Disgusted Friend should tell their friend to wash his hair and then dunk their head in a bucket of soapy water.

Mr. Padfoot strongly agrees with Mr. Prongs, and thinks that bleach should be added to the soapy water.

Mr. Moony thinks that is a bit cruel to do to your friends.

Mr. Prongs doesn't care.

Mr. Padfoot also wouldn't care, and remembers Mr. Prongs having done the same to Messrs. Moony and Wormtail for different reasons.

Mr. Wormtail agrees with Mr. Moony and thinks that bleach is very painful to the eyes.

Mr. Prongs agrees that bleach is a bad idea, but thinks the rest of the plan is a wonderful idea.

Mr. Padfoot has just remembered that Snivellus has very greasy hair.

Mr. Prongs is shocked that anyone would be friend with the greasy git.

Mr. Wormtail agrees with the plan if is for Snivellus.

Mr. Moony still thinks it is a bit cruel.

* * *

**Mr. Padfoot:**

**How many times do you go down to the kitchens and where are they exactly?**

**Hungry**

Mr. Padfoot is proud to say that he makes the trip at least twice each day.

Mt. Prongs would like to add that the location of the kitchens is down the hall from the Hufflepuff dorms.

Mr. Wormtail thinks it is mean to not tell Hungry how to get into the kitchens.

Mr. Moony reminds Mr. Wormtail that is a secret.

Mr. Wormtail still thinks it is mean.

Mr. Padfoot agrees with Mr. Moony that it is a secret.

Mr. Prongs thinks the house elves would get mad if the Marauders betrayed this secret.

Mr. Moony agrees and thinks that the marauders should respect the house elves.

Mr. Wormtail thinks that talking about the kitchens has made him hungry, and wants Mr. Padfoot to go get more pudding.

Mr. Prongs asks that Mr. Padfoot bring him a giant cookie if he is going to the kitchens.

Mr. Padfoot thinks that he would make Messrs. Wormtail and Prongs get their own food if it weren't for the fact that he is hungry as well.

* * *

**Messrs. Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs:**

**Will you ever stay on subject?**

**Mr. Moony**

Mr. Padfoot thinks Mr. Moony is a bit grumpy.

Mr. Prongs agrees and thinks that a steak might make him feel better.

Mr. Wormtail really wants pudding.

Mr. Moony denies being grumpy and thinks the steak might redeem Messrs. Padfoot, Prongs, and Wormtail.

Mr. Padfoot is going to the kitchens.

* * *

**Mr. Moony:**

**What the answer to question 5 in the charms assignment?**

**Messrs. Wormtail and Prongs**

Mr. Moony can't remember, but know that it was covered in section two of chapter six.

Mr. Wormtail thanks Mr. Moony for the help.

Mr. Prongs wonders why Mr. Moony doesn't know the answer.

Mr. Moony doesn't remember the question and therefore doesn't remember the answer to said question.

* * *

**Mr. Padfoot:**

**What do you think of a 5th year Ravenclaw?**

**Single and Looking**

Mr. Moony thinks that Single and Looking would be heartbroken to know that Mr. Padfoot already has three girlfriends.

Mr. Prongs hopes those three girlfriends aren't reading this for Mr. Padfoot's sake.

Mr. Wormtail gives his deepest condolences to Mr. Padfoot if those three girlfriends are reading this.

Mr. Padfoot thinks he probably will be single after tonight and wonders if behind the statue of Charles the 3rd is a good place to meet the 5th year Ravenclaw.

* * *

**Marauders:  
I never got my letter to Hogwarts. Do you know any passages I could use to sneak in? I promise I would help you prank the slimy Slytherins.  
From, Wannabe Witch  
P.S: Gryffindor is great, Ravenclaw rocks, horary for Hufflepuff and... Slytherin STINKS!!**

Mr. Prongs agrees that Gryffindor is great and that Slytherins Stinks.

Mr. Moony doesn't wish to reveal the secret passageways, lest they be closed by staff.

Mr. Padfoot agrees with Messrs. Moony and Prongs, and would like to add that Wannabe Witch should talk to Dumbledore about not getting that letter.

Mr. Wormtail thinks that having more to prank the Slytherins is a great idea, but agrees with Mr. Moony.

Mr. Moony is always right.

Mr. Padfoot thinks that Mr. Moony is being a little big headed.

Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Padfoot.

Mr. Wormtail is sad that Mr. Padfoot forgot the pudding.

* * *

**Marauders:**

**How do you stay awake during History of Magic? It's soo boring.**

**Sleepy Historian**

Mr. Padfoot doesn't see a need to stay awake in History of Magic.

Mr. Prongs agrees and adds that the Sleepy Historian should find a person like Mr. Moony who can not only stay awake but take great notes as well.

Mr. Moony is disappointed that Messrs. Padfoot and Prongs care so little about their studies.

Mr. Wormtail agrees with Messrs. Padfoot and Prongs.

Mr. Padfoot doesn't need to care about his studies and thinks that Mr. Prongs doesn't need to either.

Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Padfoot.

* * *

_Disclaimer:_ I don't own the Mrauders, I wish I did though..

_Author's Note:_ I had some great review and those really made me want to update, so thanks for the reviews! On a side note, I want to get you wonderful reviewers involded with this story, and I lack creativity, so **leave a review with one good question for the Marauder's Advice Column**, and it will probably be on the next chapter. Thanks!


	4. 4th Eddition

Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs

Purveyors of Aids to Magical Mischief-Makers

are proud to present

The Marauder's Advice Column

* * *

**Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, and Prongs:**

**I just found my boyfriend cheating on me with a 5th Year Ravenclaw (single and looking). How do I get revenge?  
Heart Broken and Out for Revenge**

Mr. Wormtail would like to offer his deepest condolences to Mr. Padfoot, and would like to add that Mr. Padfoot's bed is the second from the left side of the door and that Mr. Padfoot also hates spiders.

Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Wormtail, and would also like to add that itching powder was a great invention.

Mr. Padfoot has been betrayed.

Mr. Moony would like to offer his full support to Heart Broken and Out for Revenge, and agrees with Messrs. Prongs and Wormtail.

Mr. Prongs has no sympathy for Mr. Padfoot.

Mr. Moony agrees with Mr. Prongs, and would like to tell Mr. Padfoot that he had it coming.

Mr. Wormtail would like to add that Mr. Padfoot also doesn't like snakes.

Mr. Padfoot would love to strangle Messrs. Wormtail, Prongs, and Moony.

Mr. Prongs is so afraid.

Mr. Padfoot is going to make Mr. Prongs wish he was dead.

Mr. Moony is laughing his arse off.

Mr. Wormtail is going to go get more pudding.

Mr. Padfoot would like to ask Mr. Wormtail to bring him a roast beef sandwich.

Mr. Wormtail isn't getting anything for Mr. Padfoot and his terrible cheating ways.

Mr. Prongs would like to observe that Mr. Moony is too busy laughing to agree with Mr. Wormtail and note the length of this reply, and would like to also agree with Mr. Wormtail.

Mr. Padfoot feels really betrayed.

* * *

**Mr. Wormtail:**

**Why do you want pudding a lot?**

**Hungry**

Mr. Wormtail would like to say that Pudding is the best invention in the world, and that all who don't like pudding should be killed.

Mr. Moony thinks that's a little harsh punishment for not liking pudding.

Mr. Prongs disagrees with Mr. Wormtail, and thinks that racing brooms were the best invention.

Mr. Padfoot and his terrible cheating ways would like to agree with Mr. Wormtail that pudding is the best invention in the world.

Mr. Moony would like to argue that Mr. Padfoot thinks that doughnuts were the best invention.

Mr. Prongs wonders where Mr. Padfoot has gone.

Mr. Wormtail thinks Mr. Padfoot and his terrible cheating ways went to the kitchens for his sandwich.

Mr. Moony wonders why Mr. Wormtail didn't go with to get his pudding.

Mr. Wormtail kindly asked Mr. Padfoot and his terrible cheating ways to bring him pudding.

Mr. Prongs thinks Mr. Wormtail is very cruel.

* * *

**Messrs. Prongs, Moony, and Wormtail:**

**Does Mr. Wormtail ever stop wanting pudding?**

**Mr. Padfoot**

Mr. Wormtail says he never stops wanting pudding, and asks that Mr. Padfoot and his terrible cheating ways go bring him more.

Mr. Padfoot is going to start calling Mr. Wormtail the Pudding Dictator.

* * *

**Dear Marauders,  
How do you stay in such good shape and still eat all those doughnuts and puddings?  
Treadmill Queen**

Mr. Padfoot denies that Mr. Wormtail is in good shape.

Mr. Wormtail denies that Mr. Padfoot and his terrible cheating ways are in good shape.

Mr. Moony doesn't participate in the eating of insane quantities of sweets, and denies that Messrs. Padfoot and Wormtail are in good shape, but remembers that round is a shape.

Mr. Padfoot thinks Mr. Moony is cruel.

Mr. Prongs is on the quidditch team, and must work out daily in order to say on the team.

Mr. Wormtail denies that Mr. Moony doesn't participate in the eating of doughnuts and pudding, and regretfully agrees with Mr. Padfoot.

* * *

**Dear Marauders,**

I have been dared to discover the secret of one R. J. Lupin. If I do not discover the secret, my friends will dunk my head in Moaning Myrtle's toilet. How should I go about discovering Lupin's secret?

Toilet Phobic

Mr. Moony thinks that Toilet Phobic should respect Mr. Lupin's privacy, and allow their head to be dunked Moaning Myrtle's toilet if needed.

Messrs. Prongs, Padfoot, and Wormtail agree with Mr. Moony.

* * *

**Marauders:**

How do I get someone to stop stalking me?

Stalked and Hating It

Mr. Padfoot thinks that Stalked and Hating It should give Peeves an inordinate amount of Filibuster's best, biting Frisbees, itching powder, and dung bombs.

Mr. Moony thinks Mr. Padfoot has a great idea, but thinks Stalked and Hating It should also give Peeves a letter to deliver.

Mr. Prongs thinks that the prank package to Peeves is overdone, but agrees that a letter to be delivered would be a great idea.

Mr. Wormtail agrees with Mr. Prongs.

Mr. Padfoot asks if Messrs. Prongs and Wormtail have any better ideas.

Mr. Moony thinks that the prank package to Peeves is a classic, not overdone.

Mr. Padfoot agrees with Mr. Moony.

* * *

**Mr. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs:  
Why do you always use third person when referring to yourselves?  
Grammatically Sensitive**

Mr. Moony would like to point out that Grammatically Sensitive used the wrong form of address, and that it should be 'Messrs.', a plural form of 'Mr.', instead of 'Mr.', the singular form.

Mr. Padfoot agrees with Mr. Moony, and thinks it is because third person is much more elegant.

Mr. Prongs agrees with Messrs. Moony and Padfoot, and would like to add that is a great way to not reveal one's identity.

Mr. Wormtail doesn't bother with this grammar stuff, and automatically agrees with Messrs. Moony, Prongs, and Padfoot.

* * *

**Marauders:**

**How did you meet?**

**Fellow Prankster**

Mr. Wormtail can't remember.

Mr. Padfoot agrees with Mr. Wormtail can't remember either.

Mr. Prongs thinks it had something to do with food.

Mr. Moony remembers it was the pudding at the sorting feast first year.

Mr. Prongs was right.

Mr. Padfoot remembers now that said pudding ended up on Mr. Moony's head.

Mr. Wormtail still doesn't remember.

* * *

**Marauders:**

**Where are your headquarters?**

**A Concerned Student**

Mr. Moony thinks that A Concerned Student is out to humiliate the Marauders.

Mr. Padfoot agrees with Mr. Moony, and thinks the Marauders should go to headquarters and plan a pranking on possible concerned students.

Mr. Wormtail can't remember where headquarters are.

Mr. Prongs agrees with Messrs. Moony and Padfoot.

Mr. Moony would like Mr. Wormtail to remember what is to the right of the pear.

Mr. Wormtail remembers where headquarters is now.

Mr. Padfoot thinks Mr. Moony just gave away the location of headquarters.

Mr. Moony would like Mr. Padfoot to think of food and rethink his accusation.

Mr. Padfoot revokes his accusation.

Mr. Prongs wonders why Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, and Padfoot aren't at headquarters yet.

* * *

_Disclaimer:_ Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs would like to inform you that Ms. Eicher does not own the Marauders.

_Author's Note:_ I love writing The Marauder's Advice Column, but alas, I have a life. However, I can promise you that I definetly will update every two weeks, but I'll try to update sooner than that if possible. On another note, I've loved having you reviewers help out with the story, so when you review, **leave a review with a good question to put in the Marauder's Advice Column**, and it'll probably be in the next edition. Thanks!


	5. Five's the Flour

Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs

Purveyors of Aids to Magical Mischief-Makers

are proud to present

The Marauder's Advice Column

* * *

**Dear Marauders,  
The last time I had my head dunked in Moaning Myrtle's toilet, I almost drowned because Myrtle had one of her outbursts while they were dunking me. After that, my friends laughed at me. If I don't investigate into what Lupin's secret is, how do you propose that I don't die this time? I don't know about you, but I like breathing more than anything else.  
Toilet Phobic**

Mr. Padfoot thinks that Toilet Phobic should learn to hold their breath when being dunked.

Mr. Wormtail thinks that Mr. Padfoot is suggesting a very cruel way of not drowning.

Mr. Moony remembers that the Bubble Head charm works well underwater.

Mr. Prongs remembers having nearly drowned on the expedition to the bottom of the lake because of the Bubble Head charm.

Mr. Moony reminds that Mr. Prongs didn't cast the charm right.

Mr. Padfoot agrees with Mr. Moony.

Mr. Wormtail thinks the expedition to the bottom of the lake was a bad idea.

Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Wormtail.

* * *

**Marauders, **

**Have you seen Severus?**

**Green Eyes**

Mr. Padfoot remembers seeing Snivellus stuck to the ceiling of the entrance hall a few minutes ago.

Mr. Prongs wonders if Snivellus is smart enough to get himself down from there.

Mr. Moony thinks that Messrs. Padfoot and Prongs are being somewhat cruel, but believes that the ceiling of the entrance hall is a good place to look if that's where Messrs. Padfoot and Prongs left him.

Mr. Wormtail thinks it serves Snivellus right to be stuck to the ceiling.

Mr. Prongs wonders if Mr. Padfoot used a permanent sticking charm.

Mr. Padfoot did use a permanent sticking charm, and hopes that Snivellus is stuck to the ceiling for all of eternity.

Mr. Moony thinks that Mr. Padfoot is really especially cruel.

Mr. Padfoot learned it from Mr. Moony.

Mr. Moony denies Mr. Padfoot's statement.

Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Padfoot.

* * *

**Marauders,**

**How would I go about not studying and acing all my classes?**

**Lazy Non-Studier**

Mr. Padfoot thinks Lazy Non-Studier should find a study-buddy like Mr. Moony.

Mr. Prongs thinks that Mr. Padfoot takes advantage of Mr. Moony.

Mr. Padfoot does not take advantage of Mr. Moony.

Mr. Wormtail wonders if Mr. Padfoot realizes what he just said.

Mr. Padfoot didn't mean it that way, and would like for Mr. Wormtail to note that Mr. Prongs started it.

Mr. Prongs was only pointing out a flaw in Mr. Padfoot's advice.

Mr. Wormtail thinks Mr. Prongs knows something about Mr. Padfoot.

Mr. Moony is not helping Messrs. Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs with their homework again.

Mr. Padfoot didn't do anything, and thinks that Mr. Wormtail is disgusting.

Mr. Moony realizes that Mr. Padfoot was also being victimized, and might help Mr. Padfoot with his homework.

Mr. Wormtail thinks that there really is something going on.

Mr. Prongs thinks Mr. Wormtail should take note of the look in Mr. Moony's eyes.

Mr. Wormtail is sorry for any discomfort he may have caused Mr. Moony.

Mr. Moony does not accept the apology.

Mr. Padfoot thinks Mr. Wormtail should run for his life.

Mr. Wormtail agrees.

* * *

**Mr. Prongs,**

**If you had a kid what would you name them?**

**Hopeless Romantic**

Mr. Prongs really doesn't know the answer to that question.

Mr. Padfoot remembers that it is pureblood tradition to name one's first son after one's paternal grandfather or first daughter after their maternal grandmother.

Mr. Moony thinks that pureblood tradition is a stupid idea.

Mr. Padfoot agrees with Mr. Moony.

Mr. Wormtail is confused.

Mr. Padfoot would like to remind Mr. Wormtail of his beliefs regarding pureblood tradition.

Mr. Prongs also dislikes pureblood tradition, but might respect some aspects of it to please his parents.

Mr. Padfoot thinks that Mr. Prongs is reluctant to think about having a kid.

Mr. Moony thinks Mr. Padfoot is right.

Mr. Wormtail has never seen Mr. Moony think Mr. Padfoot is right.

Mr. Padfoot is amazed that Mr. Moony agrees.

* * *

**Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs,  
How did you decide what order your names would go in? I think Wormtail's name should go LAST because a) it doesn't fit in with alphabetical order, but the real reason is that b) he isn't very cool, nice, OR funny. (Mr. Padfoot, you're a cheater and I'd help Out For Revenge prank you, but you still rock.)  
-Wannabe Witch**

**P.S. I may not be able to get into Hogwarts, but I sent you guys an owl package full of firecrackers, dung bombs, and exploding toy mice for a certain evil caretaker and his cat...**

Mr. Moony remembers that he always get to put his name on first because he is the one who always writes everything.

Mr. Wormtail remembers that Messrs. Padfoot and Prongs were fighting too much over who got to write their name first, and Mr. Wormtail took that opportunity to write his name before either of them.

Mr. Moony had fun watching Messrs. Padfoot and Prongs fight over the quill after Mr. Wormtail threw it on the floor for them to fight for it.

Mr. Padfoot remembers that Mr. Wormtail owes him a quill.

Mr. Wormtail isn't going to get Mr. Padfoot a new quill as Mr. Padfoot was the one to break the quill.

Mr. Padfoot knows that he didn't break the quill.

Mr. Moony would like to suggest that Mr. Prongs broke the quill.

Mr. Prongs doesn't recall breaking Mr. Padfoot's quill.

Mr. Wormtail thinks that Mr. Padfoot actually broke Mr. Moony's quill.

Mr. Moony agrees with Mr. Wormtail.

Mr. Padfoot didn't break Mr. Moony's quill.

Mr. Prongs can't believe the Marauders are arguing over this when they could be arguing how cool Messrs. Wormtail and Padfoot are.

Mr. Moony agrees with Mr. Prongs, and thinks that Mr. Padfoot isn't really that cool.

Mr. Padfoot would like to thank Wannabe Witch for the Caretaker Care Package.

Mr. Wormtail thinks Mr. Padfoot is avoiding the subject.

Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Wormtail.

Mr. Moony laughs at Mr. Padfoot.

* * *

**Marauders,  
A stag has been following me around whenever I leave the school grounds. Whenever I turn to look at it, it hides, or tries to. It doesn't seem to be very good at it. Normally, I like deer, but this is getting on my nerves! Do you know of any way to repel nosy young stags with odd marking on their faces? They look somewhat familiar...  
Confused and Annoyed**

Mr. Moony would like to note the embarrassed look on Mr. Prongs' face.

Mr. Padfoot agrees with Mr. Moony, and would like to add that walking alone increases the chance of the stag appearing.

Mr. Wormtail thinks that the stag would stop if someone asked someone else on a date.

Mr. Moony thinks the stag might disappear if a stunner is fired at it.

Mr. Prongs is betrayed.

Mr. Moony wonders why Mr. Prongs would be betrayed.

Mr. Padfoot thinks that Mr. Prongs is hiding something.

Mr. Moony agrees with Mr. Padfoot.

Mr. Prongs thinks that the Marauders should have this conversation later.

* * *

**Marauders**

**How would you suggest I get my Fanged Frisbee back from Filch?  
-Wants her Frisbee back**

Mr. Wormtail remembers that Filch has a locked filing cabinet on the left side of his office.

Mr. Moony would like to add that a simple 'Alohamora' will unlock the cabinet.

Mr. Padfoot knows that Filch makes a habit of patrolling the entrance hall every night.

Mr. Prongs would also like to add that there is a roundabout way to get to Filch's office, while avoiding the entrance hall.

Mr. Moony hopes that the Marauders were helpful in this endeavor.

* * *

**Dear Marauders,  
My cousin and I are in Gryffindor, and he had been mooning over some girl for so long that a friend and I went out of our way(not really, but still...) to get him to meet someone, and he did, but we didn't know who. Now he's a lovesick fool who won't even fight some Slytherin who has been giving us grief. The Slytherin picked a fight with my cousin and my friend ended up in a duel with the Slytherin, my idiot cousin got between them, and my friend got hit while he couldn't see his opponent. My friend was hexed badly and I just brought him to the hospital wing. How do I convince my cousin that his behavior is not fitting to our house? Could you, perhaps, tell me how to get him to stop pining over that girl, knock sense into him? **

**-Most Benevolent Peacekeeper**

Mr. Moony thinks he's read about a situation like this before.

Mr. Wormtail has no clue what Mr. Moony is talking about.

Mr. Prongs thinks Peacekeeper should take his cousin to a large party with lots of fire whiskey, and plenty of prospective girlfriends.

Mr. Padfoot agrees.

Mr. Moony still can't remember, but thinks that Peacekeeper should avoid letting his cousin out of his sight, lest he do anything that could get him expelled.

Mr. Padfoot thinks that Peacekeeper should prank all of Slytherin, and set a good example for his cousin.

* * *

**Mr. Moony,  
Do you enjoy fiction as well as nonfiction? If so where can we meet to swap booklists? I happen to love the Lord of the Rings books and other Muggle fantasy.  
Really Truly Sincerely,  
The Silver Lady**

Mr. Moony is an avid fan of fiction, and remembers that the library has a very small fiction section which could be a very good place to meet.

Mr. Wormtail thinks Mr. Moony is going to have a girlfriend.

Mr. Padfoot is so proud that Mr. Moony has finally found a girl.

Mr. Prongs thinks it's cute.

Mr. Wormtail is noticing the look on Mr. Moony's face, and thinks it would be a good idea to flee the common room.

Mr. Prongs agrees.

* * *

**Marauders,  
What would be the best way to blow up Malfoy's cauldron?  
Desperate Prankster**

Mr. Wormtail remembers that Dragons' blood reacts badly with almost any potion.

Mr. Prongs wonders how Mr. Wormtail remembered that.

Mr. Wormtail happened to be the victim of a particularly bad potions explosion, caused by Dragons' Blood.

Mr. Moony remembers that adding almost anything to a potion will make it explode, especially if it's not supposed to be in the potion.

Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony.

* * *

**Marauders,  
Have you seen Snape? I really need to find him... I have his knickers...  
Green Eyes**

Mr. Padfoot is disgusted that anyone would touch Snivellus' grundies, the slime ball.

Mr. Prongs would like to remind Green Eyes that Snivellus can still be found stuck to the entrance hall ceiling, and wonders how insane Green Eyes is to even think about touching Snivellus's knickers.

Mr. Moony is also disgusted that someone would touch that.

Mr. Wormtail agrees with Messrs. Moony, Padfoot and Prongs.

* * *

_Disclaimer:_ I own nothing; most certianly not the Marauders.

_Author's Notes: _First, I must thank all my readers, and my reviewers. You all inspire me to write, and it makes me happy that so many review. For those of you who like this story, and the style it's written in, I'l like to direct you to my other story, _The Marauder's Abridged History Book, _which is written in much of the same style. And once again, feel free to leave a review with a question to put in the Advice Coulmn. Thanks, and REVIEW.


	6. Six for the Mix

Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs

Purveyors of Aids to Magical Mischief-Makers

are proud to present

The Marauder's Advice Column

**Marauders,**

**How would one go about asking a certain black haired fifth year out, like on a date or something?**

**Red Head**

Mr. Padfoot would like to congratulate Mr. Pongs on his soon-to-be girl friend.

Mr. Prongs would like to stuff a pillow in Mr. Padfoot's mouth.

Mr. Wormtail thinks it's rude to suffocate people.

Mr. Moony agrees with Mr. Wormtail, and asks that the Marauders focus on the real problem.

Mr. Padfoot would like to ask what the real problem is.

Mr. Moony thinks Mr. Padfoot should learn to read.

Mr. Wormtail thinks the best way to ask somebody out is to go up to them and ask them out.

Mr. Padfoot thinks that the 'No, Really?' award of the day should go to Mr. Wormtail.

**

* * *

**

Dear Marauders,

**I've been going out with this guy, Sirius Black, and really all he wants to do is snog snog snog! The problem is, he's really not that good at it. He kisses like a dog! What should I do?**

**Puppy Lover**

Mr. Padfoot is going to the kitchens for chocolate pudding and will not return in time to have any input on this question.

Mr. Prongs laughs at Mr. Padfoot.

Mr. Moony, too, finds this situation to be quite humorus and oddly fitting.

Mr. Wormtail thinks that Puppy Lover should tell Black that he kisses like a dog and watch him turn red with embarrassment.

Mr. Moon thinks that Mr. Wormtail's idea has merit, but perhaps, Puppy Lover should giver Black a few pointers on how not to kiss like a dog.

Mr. Prongs still can't stop laughing.

Mr. Wormtail hopes Mr. Padfoot will think to bring extra chocolate pudding to share with the Pudding Dictator.

**

* * *

**

Dear Marauders,

**Thank you, Mr. Moony! I didn't drown! Thank you so much! But now I have a disembodied voice screeching at me for advice on how to get back at Sirius Black, James Potter, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew. I don't understand why people and weird voices keep asking me to pester those guys. Just because they're in Gryffindor and I'm, well, not. . . . Am I going crazy or should I just ignore it? **

**No-Longer Toilet Phobic.**

Mr. Moony would like to remind No-Longer Toilet Phobic that everyone is at least a little crazy, the Marauders included.

Mr. Prongs resents that comment and believes that he is not crazy in the least.

Mr. Padfoot is back with pudding for the Pudding Dictator.

Mr. Wormtail accepts the humble offerings of Mr. Padfoot and his terrible cheating ways and offers in return no redemption.

Mr. Padfoot declares war on the Pudding Dictator.

Mr. Moony thinks there has been enough war and not enough advice.

Mr. Padfoot disagrees with Mr. Moony.

Mr. Prongs thinks that No-Longer Toilet Phobic should prank any and all who tell him to pester Blakc, Potter, Lupin, and Pettigrew.

Mr. Wormtail strongly agrees with Mr. Prongs and asks that he join him in an alliance against Mr. Padfoot.

Mr. Moony would like to skip the making alliances part and go straight to an all out every man for himself official prank war.

Mr. Padfoot would much rather have an every man for himself war, and thus agrees with Mr. Moony.

Mr. Prongs would not like to make alliances and thus too agrees with Mr. Moony.

**

* * *

**

Marauders,

**That stag still won't leave me alone! It followed me to lunch yesterday, which was supposed to be the day for our annual school picnic, which was set up last year by myself and a few of my friends. It was canceled because that stag followed me to the clearing and made an enormous mess! Please help me! Stunners aren't helping. It's like the beast forgets about my wand the moment it spots me! I know it's the same stag because of those weird markings on its face. I keep thinking I know them from somewhere...**

**Confused and Annoyed**

Mr. Moony suggests that Confused and Annoyed get a huge group of friends to all fire stunners at the same time.

Mr. Prongs thinks Mr. Moony is being cruel to the stag.

Mr. Padfoot thinks that the stag never hurt anything, and thus is perfectly fine as is.

Mr. Wormtail would like to point out the wreaked picnic.

Mr. Padfoot concedes to Mr. Wormtail but still holds that the stag hasn't hurt anyone yet.

Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Padfoot.

**

* * *

**

Mr. Prongs

**Are you sure you don't know what you want to name your kid? I think Harry would be a lovely name.**

**Been Crystal Ball Gazing**

Mr. Prongs would much rather not think about a future involving having children.

Mr. Moony wonders if Mr. Prongs is planning on staying single forever then.

Mr. Padfoot laughs at Mr. Prongs.

Mr. Prongs declares a double war on Messrs. Moony and Padfoot.

**

* * *

**

Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs,

**As this is to be anonymous, I'll suffice to say I am a fellow Gryffindor of your year. My problem is this: I have just recently broken it off with a rather antagonizing Ravenclaw. He's now quite...irritating during class; trying to get my attention, gossiping about me to his mates, ect...and I'm wondering whether you might know a way to...well, not to put too fine a point on it: shut his bleeding mouth? Anyhow, would be a good help. **

**Thanks, **

**Tempest in a Teapot**

**P.S.: I also think Mr. Prongs might fancy knowing that a certain red-headed friend of my own has been spending an awfully long time alone with a Dark-Arts obsessed, greasy-haired Slytherin...It would be rather relieving if a Mr. Prongs could get his act together and change that. Just mentioning.**

Mr. Moony would like to remind Tempest in a Teapot that as previously mentioned a prank box to Peeves with a letter is a great way to tell someone that they are not doing what they should.

Mr. Padfoot still believes that the Prank Box is overdone.

Mr. Moony thinks it's a classic.

Mr. Padfoot also agrees that Mr. Prongs should do something about a certain Red Head.

Mr. Prongs has decided that he will ask her out… Tomorrow.

Mr. Wormtail thinks that Mr. Prongs should ask her out sooner as there are other black hairedx fifth years she could be interested in.

**

* * *

**

Marauders,

**I took your advice and the black haired fifth year and I are now dating! Thanks a million!**

**Red Head**

Mr. Padfoot would like to congratulate Mr. Pongs on his new girlfriend.

Mr. Prongs is not the black haired fifth year.

Mr. Padfoot feels an immediate need to retch.

Mr. Prongs also feels a need to retch.

Mr. Wormtail knew it would happen.

Mr. Moony also saw it coming, and would like to remind Mr. Prongs that he needs to act sooner next time.

**

* * *

**

Hey there marauders,

**If you knew that a group of friends had one un-true friend-and I mean a real jerk who'll get them in trouble someday or rat them out-in their midst, would you tell them? More importantly, If you were the friends in question, would you want to know?**

**- Wannabe Witch**

**P.S. Glad you liked the anti-caretaker package. Enclosed is a box of what looks like chocolate frogs. BE CAREFUL. Let's just say they're especially for a certain slimy git you've been wanting to prank.**

Mr. Moony thinks that if it were the Marauders in question, they would most definitely want to know about a possible leakage of prank idea and plots.

Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony, and would like to add that the faux Chocolate Frogs will be put into use immediately, with a little bit of mislabeling as to the sender.

Mr. Padfoot loves Mr. Prongs' devious idea, and sends his best regards and thanks to Wannabe Witch for the wonderful ideas.

Mr. Wormtail thinks that the group of friends in question should be allowed to be happy having fun with each other for as long as possible.

Mr. Moony thinks Mr. Wormtail's stance on the issue is questionable.

Mr. Wormtail just wants people to be happy.

Mr. Prongs understands what Mr. Wormtail is trying to say, and gives him a vote of confidence.

Mr. Padfoot wants pudding again.

**

* * *

**

Dear Messrs Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs,

**Kindly tell Mr. Pettigrew not to take my morning pudding.**

**Pudding Master**

Mr. Padfoot thinks that as Mr. Wormtail is the official Pudding Dictator, he should be the one to tell Mr. Pettigrew to stop taking people's pudding.

Mr. Prongs would like to note that Mr. Moony is rolling in laughter on the floor, and that Mr. Prongs is close to doing so himself.

Mr. Wormtail sees it as his duty to prevent people's pudding from being stolen.

Mr. Padfoot also thinks that as Pudding dictator, Mr. Wormtail would most likely stop the stealing of pudding only to provide a more plentiful source of pudding to steal for himself.

Mr. Wormtail is not that conceited.

Mr. Padfoot thinks he might just be.

Mr. Wormtail declares double war on Mr. Padfoot.

**

* * *

**

Marauders,

**What does Mr. Padfoot think of his snakey traitor brother?**

**A Bored Reader**

Mr. Padfoot does not claim to have a snakey traitor brother.

Mr. Moony wonders how the Bored Reader could possibly know that Mr. Padfoot has a brother at all, as

Mr. Padfoot's identity is not well known.

Mr. Prongs suggests that the Bored Reader is in league with the Concerned Student.

Mr. Wormtail suggests a temporary alliance against the Concerned Student and Bored Reader.

Messers. Moony, Prongs, and Padfoot unanimously agree with this alliance.

Mr. Moony suggests that the Marauders adjourn to the new meeting room for further discussion as to the pranking plan.

_

* * *

_

Disclaimer:

I don't own the Marauders… Sorry.

_Author's Note:_ This chapter of the Marauder's Advice Column is dedicated to the 88 people who've reviewed, the 52 who've subscribed, and the 42 who've favorited. I've been away and not receiving alerts via e-mail, so when I logged in and saw all the reviews, favorites, and subscriptions, I was actually truly happy for the first time in months. [yeah, my life… not so good lately, almost hellish] So huge thank you to all of you for your awesome and happy reviews! I really appreciate them. Oh and don't forget, if you're reviewing, you can leave a question that will make it into the column. Happy reading guys! This chapter was for you!


	7. Seven's the Heaven

Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs

Purveyors of Aids to Magical Mischief-Makers

are proud to present

The Marauder's Advice Column

**Marauders,**

**If a certain dog that is black and shaggy has been eating your homework, what action would you recommend to the dog? Please note that McGonagall has given me detention for a week now because I used the infamous excuse "A dog ate my homework."**

**Annoyed Lemon Drop**

Mr. Padfoot claims that the excuse of 'A dog ate my homework.' cannot be infamous for the sole reason that dogs are not allowed in Hogwarts.

Mr. Prongs wonders why Mr. Padfoot is allowed in Hogwarts.

Mr. Moony recommends smacking the black dog on the nose every time it attempts to eat the homework.

Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony, and would like to suggest that Annoyed Lemon Drop use a stinging hex on the dog whenever it gets near the homework.

Mr. Wormtail remembers a book on dog training somewhere in the Library.

Mr. Prongs would also suggest contacting a Mr. Sirius Black, as he and the black dog have something in common.

Mr. Padfoot doubts that Mr. Sirius Black would have any idea what goes through a dog's mind when eating homework.

Mr. Wormtail thinks it's a good idea.

Mr. Moony also agrees that it is indeed a good idea and that talking to Mr. Sirius Black will definitely provide insight.

Mr. Padfoot feels betrayed.

Mr. Prongs wonders why Mr. Padfoot would feel betrayed.

Mr. Wormtail notices that Mr. Padfoot is leaving the room and would like for him to bring back some pudding.

**

* * *

**

Dear Marauders,

**The stag is back. My friends and I have tried everything, right down to stunning it all at once. The damn thing's too agile to hit more than once! Please tell me how I can make it go away! This morning, I woke up to find that it had sneaked into my room while I was asleep. It was just watching me, those little, beady eyes glinting, framed by markings that reminded me of... Glasses! That's what they look like! What are the odds of being stalked by a stag that looks like it has glasses?**

**Confused and Annoyed.**

Mr. Prongs believes he will join Mr. Padfoot on an excursion to the kitchens and beyond.

Mr. Moony believes that Mr. Prongs is a coward for running away from this problem.

Mr. Wormtail agrees that Mr. Prongs is a coward and asks that he, in his cowardice, bring him back some pudding from the kitchens.

Mr. Moony wonders if Mr. Wormtail can think with his brain rather than his stomach.

Mr. Wormtail thinks that food is definitely better than thinking.

Mr. Moony would like for Mr. Wormtail to lose all brain function and then see if he still values food more.

Mr. Wormtail thinks that Healers can cure that.

Mr. Moony wonders why Saint Mungo's has a ward dedicated solely to caring for those with permanent brain damage if they could fix it.

Mr. Wormtail has lost all faith in wizard medicine, and wonders if perhaps muggles have found a way to fix permanent brain damage.

Mr. Moony knows that if anybody in the muggle world found a cure, it would have been publicized and the Healers would be using their methods to cure brain damage in the wizarding world.

Mr. Wormtail concedes to Mr. Moony, and politely asks that he not take away Mr. Wormtail's brain function.

Mr. Moony wonders if there is a spell that would take away brain function.

Mr. Wormtail thinks that if there is one, it would definitely be dark magic.

Mr. Moony has decided to search the library for answers as to spells to end brain function.

Mr. Wormtail feels very alone and abandoned.

Mr. Wormtail feels that now is a good time to give an answer to the question, seeing as there is nothing more entertaining and no pudding.

Mr. Wormtail feels that Confused and Annoyed should set up a series of traps and then lock the stag in a room or something.

**

* * *

**

Dear Marauders,

**I have been hearing a lot of howling lately and wondered who has brought a dog to school. If there is a said dog that you know about can I meet it? **

**Werevamp**

**P.S. Do you know who Remus Lupin is? If so do you think he would date a certain 6th year Gryffindor?**

Mr. Wormtail recalls that Mr. Padfoot said that dogs aren't allowed in Hogwarts, and would like to join Werevamp in meeting this dog.

Mr. Prongs would like to announce the arrival of the Pudding Dictator's sacred pudding, fresh from the kitchens.

Mr. Wormtail thanks Mr. Prongs for the pudding, and would like to ask if he knows who brought a dog to Hogwarts.

Mr. Prongs does not know who brought the dog, and would like to add that Mr. Remus Lupin is dating someone already and has morals such that he would not consent to having multiple girlfriends.

Mr. Wormtail would like to offer his condolences to Werevamp, and hopes that they find out who has the dog soon.

Mr. Prongs recalls that Annoyed Lemon Drop might be able to assist in the finding of this dog, as this dog has been eating their homework.

**

* * *

**

Dear Marauders,

**If I told you that in ten years' time, one of you would be dead, another would be in Azkaban and another in hiding, could you guess which of you will do what?**

**Loves Divination Too Much**

Mr. Prongs believes that this question should be answered at a later time when all of the Marauders are present.

Mr. Wormtail agrees with Mr. Prongs, and suggests that this question possibly never be answered, for the sake of upholding trust and friendship among the Marauders.

Mr. Prongs sees Mr. Wormtail's, and declares that the Marauders will vote on a later date.

**

* * *

**

Dear Marauders,

**Just out of curiosity, where is your favorite place to hang out in Hogwarts?**

**Gold Is Better**

Mr. Prongs recalls being asked a similar question by a Concerned Student, and thus believes that Gold is Better has no honorable intentions with asking this question.

Mr. Wormtail agrees with Mr. Prongs and adds that Gold is Better would most likely prefer the Slimy Slytherins section of the paper.

* * *

_Disclaimer:_ I don't own the Hogwarts Kitchens or Library. If I did I would be a lot less hungry right now, and reading spell books rather than writing The Marauder's Advice Column.

_Author's Note_: Happy reading, Happy reading! I had fun writing some of these questions, and I hope you enjoyed them too. Uhmmm... **Leave a review with a question for the Marauders to answer!** It'll probably appear in teh next chapter! Thanks for your reviews, favorites, and alerts! They make me happier, and when I'm happy, I write more!


	8. Eight got Weight

Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs

Purveyors of Aids to Magical Mischief-Makers

are proud to present

The Marauder's Advice Column

**Dear Marauders,**

**If Mr. Prongs had a child, what would the reactions of Mssrs. Moony, Padfoot, and Wormtail be? And what would be the reactions of Prongs, Padfoot, and Wormtail if Mr. Moony became a teacher?**

**Sincerely,**

**Delightfully Curious.**

Mr. Padfoot would be wondering who the mother is.

Mr. Moony would also be wondering as to the identity of the mother, as she would have to be a very… special woman to handle Mr. Prongs.

Mr. Prongs disagrees with Mr. Moony.

Mr. Moony thinks Mr. Prongs disagrees too often.

Mr. Wormtail agrees with Mr. Moony

Mr. Moony thanks Mr. Wormtial for his agreement and wishes that Mr. Prongs could be more like him.

Mr. Prongs refuses to be more like Mr. Wormtail, as Mr. Wormtail is currently miserably single.

Mr. Padfoot wholly agrees with Mr. Prongs.

Mr. Moony dislikes that Mr. Wormtail is being discriminated against on grounds of relationship status.

Mr. Padfoot would like to discriminate against Mr. Moony for his relationship status.

Mr. Moony isn't single.

Mr. Wormtail would also like to point out that Mr. Padfoot _is _single.

Mr. Padfoot would like to also point out that he is single because of Mr. Wormtail.

Mr. Wormtail thinks it's bad to have more than one girlfriend at the same time.

Mr. Prongs thinks that might be why Mr. Wormtail is single.

Mr. Padfoot agrees.

Mr. Moony would like the Marauders to settle this argument in a more peaceful way by initiating the fourth every-man-for-himself prank war.

Mr. Padfoot thinks that is a wonderful idea.

* * *

**Dear Marauders,**

**What type of girl or which girl would you like to marry when you are older?**

**Interested Matchmaker**

**PS: Which one of you is still single? I'll gladly go out with any one of you. XD**

Mr. Padfoot is proud to say that he does not discriminate among the world of women.

Mr. Wormtail distinctly remembers that Mr. Padfoot once said—

Mr. Padfoot would like to point out that Mr. Wormtail has a very poor memory.

Mr. Moony knows that Mr. Wormtail does not have a bad memory, and also knows, for a fact, that Mr. Padfoot does indeed discriminate women based primarily on physical features.

Mr. Padfoot feels the insane urge to bite Mr. Moony.

Mr. Prongs feels that biting a person is low class.

Mr. Padfoot doesn't care.

Mr. Wormtail doesn't want to be bitten again.

Mr. Moony thinks Mr. Wormtail is confused.

Mr. Padfoot thinks Mr. Wormtail is always confused.

Mr. Moony is declaring war on Mr. Padfoot for his rude comments towards a fellow Marauder.

Mr. Padfoot thinks that isn't fair.

Mr. Moony is surprised that Mr. Padfoot can think.

Mr. Padfoot accepts the war challenge.

Mr. Prongs would like to join Mr. Padfoot's side in the war on account of Mr. Moony's rude comments towards a fellow Marauder.

Mr. Wormtail feels that neutrality is the best course of action.

Mr. Moony feels that neutrality is overrated, and that Mr. Wormtail should join the war on his side, on account that the war is being fought in his defense.

* * *

**Marauders,**

**This time I am quite serious that the black shaggy dog has it in for me! I caught him attempting to urinate on my paper for Slughorn! I also saw hoofmarks on the paper so I had to rewrite the essay! What action would you recommend**

**Rather Irritated Lemon Drop**

**AKA**

**Freaked Under Cockroach Cluster**

Mr. Moony feels that it is his duty to inform Irritated Lemon Drop that through recent Marauder intelligence operations, it had been discovered that said dog is in fact an animagus, and that no other information may be released on pain of expulsion of the Marauders. As the Marauders rather like learning magic and causing mayhem, they suggest that Irritated Lemon Drop lock their door and place enchantments to ward off intruders.

* * *

**Messrs. Padfoot and Prongs**

**I would like to know why you avoid certain questions like ones to do with dogs in Mr. Padfoot's case and stags in Mr. Prongs' case.**

**Fangs**

Mr. Prongs recalls that Mr. Padfoot is superstitiously afraid of dogs, particularly those that look like a Grim, as the Divination teacher has predicted time and time again his death at the hands, or rather paws, of the Grim.

Mr. Padfoot resents the truth in that statement, and also remembers that Mr. Prongs is under the delusion that the stag is an evil reincarnation of the husband of the deer that he and his dad hunted and later ate when he was seven.

Mr. Moony would like to add that there is much truth behind Messrs. Padfoot and Prongs' statements, and has heard Mr. Prongs' father tell the story several times, at which time, Mr. Prongs usually finds some reason to be somewhere else.

Mr. Wormtail also recalls the predicting of Mr. Padfoot's death at the paws of the grim.

* * *

**Dear Marauders,**

**Which of you four do you think is the most mischievous? The most loyal? Or even, the most likely to betray everyone else?**

**Rainy Cookies**

Mr. Wormtail thinks that Mr. Prongs is the most mischievous.

Mr. Moony believes that Mr. Padfoot would definitely be the one to betray everyone else, as he has done it countless times before, resulting in several detentions.

Mr. Padfoot does not betray people.

Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Padfoot on account of his being dumb enough to get caught.

Mr. Moony finds that he might agree with Mr. Prongs.

Mr. Padfoot feels insulted.

Mr. Wormtail thinks it's good for Mr. Padfoot to get insulted as he insults his fellow Marauders often.

Mr. Padfoot disagrees.

Mr. Moony agrees with Mr. Wormtail whole heartedly.

Mr. Prongs feels like it's a good time to head for some biscuits and pudding and other assorted sweets.

Mr. Padfoot would like to join Mr. Prongs, traitor or otherwise, in his quest for biscuits.

Mr. Moony thinks that Messrs. Padfoot and Prongs are chicken.

Mr. Wormtail agrees.

* * *

**Marauders,**

**Do you know if there are werewolves near Hogwarts? I still hear howling, but it's only on the full moon. Also, Mr. Wormtail, please stop stealing all the pudding. I am rather fond of eating Chocolate before bed, and lately there has been none in the kitchens when I get there. Thank you.**

**Werevamp**

**P.S. I know a Slytherin that would like a roll in the hay with Mr. Sirius Black. Can you arrange that?**

Mr. Moony has researched and found that there is indeed a pack of werewolves living in the Forbidden Forest, and strongly suggests that Werevamp not go in the forest on any full moons.

Mr. Wormtail regrets that Werevamp has found a displeasing lack of chocolate in the kitchens, and would like to direct their attention to the fact that Messrs. Prongs and Padfoot are currently eating chocolate and other good things, and should be blamed.

Mr. Moony would also like to add that Mr. Sirius Black once said that he would never go anywhere near hay again because of its terrible itchiness.

* * *

**Dear Marauders,**

**Why is that on certain topics you seem to decide to leave and get Mr. Wormtail pudding? Is that a joke between you or mere coincidence?**

**Loves Emo Guys With Hair**

Mr. Wormtail denies that his fellow Marauders bring him pudding on many occasions.

Mr. Moony remembers that Mr. Wormtail does get his pudding when Messrs. Padfoot and Prongs have been sufficiently bribed or blackmailed.

Mr. Wormtail remembers how well that works.

Mr. Moony is starting to wonder if Messrs. Padfoot and Prongs got lost going to the kitchens.

Mr. Wormtail thinks that Messrs. Padfoot and Prongs did get lost.

Mr. Moony wonders if a rescue party is needed.

Mr. Wormtail doesn't feel sympathetic enough to send out a rescue party.

Mr. Moony agrees.

* * *

**Dear Marauders,**

**My friend just realized that she has been living in denial about her feelings for a certain bloke. I want to know how to get her back into this aforementioned state of denial since I need someone to live in denial together with.**

**The Almighty Banana Queen**

Mr. Wormtail suggests hitting her over the head with a bat, as concussions often make people forget things.

Mr. Moony thinks that as cruel as it sounds, Mr. Wormtail's plan is much better than trying a memory charm, as those can do more damage if they get botched.

Mr. Wormtail is amazed that Mr. Moony doesn't have a better suggestion.

Mr. Moony does have a slightly better suggestion, and thinks that a Confundus charm is much less violent than hitting someone over the head with a bat.

Mr. Wormtail feels betrayed.

Mr. Moony reminds that he at least agree with Mr. Wormtail for a little while.

* * *

**Messrs. Moony, Padfoot, Prongs, and Wormtail,**

**Which one of you put a hex on me that makes me say "I'm an idiot. I need to wash my hair. I'm a moron."?**

**Greasy Black Hair**

Mr. Moony is sad to say that the Marauders cannot take the credit for that stunt.

Mr. Wormtail doesn't recall doing that to anybody recently.

Mr. Padfoot would like to fess up to doing that on the way back from the kitchens.

Mr. Prongs would also like to say that he helped.

Mr. Moony congratulates Messrs. Padfoot and Prongs on a job well done.

* * *

**Dear Marauders,**

**What is the best prank you guys have ever pulled together and was it on Snivellus?**

**Prankster Historian**

Mr. Padfoot would like to think that their most recent prank is the best yet.

Mr. Prongs agrees wholeheartedly.

Mr. Moony remembers that the time they stuck Snevillus to the ceiling of the Entrance hall singing American muggle Broadway tunes was a pretty good one.

Mr. Wormtail liked the one where they made him into a rainbow ragdoll for a day.

Mr. Prongs thinks that all pranks to date have been the best.

Mr. Padfoot feels a need to agree with Mr. Prongs.

* * *

**Dear Marauders,**

**Well, I took your advice and got some of my friends to help me make a pit trap in my room. At precisely 3:45 A.M., the stag was caught. We went to inform our Prefects, but when we came back, the stag was gone. However, there was a pair of glasses left behind in the pit. Do you who they might belong to? I want to have a word with whoever let that dratted stag go, and I suspect the glasses belong to them. Incidentally, don't you think James Potter has been looking tired lately? Could you make sure he isn't coming down with something? I'd hate it if I or one of my friends caught it.**

**Confused and Annoyed**

Mr. Moony must regrettably inform Confused and Annoyed that recent Marauder intelligence has revealed the existence of animagi at Hogwarts, and has been sworn on pain of expulsion of the marauders not to reveal more information.

* * *

**Dear Marauders,**

**Recently I have begun to notice a rat following me. This morning it was sitting next to me when I woke up! I don't know what's going on! A few of my friends have been talking about being followed by foots and deer! If you could give me advice or maybe the name of a good rat poisoning I would appreciate it!**

**Rat-aphobic**

Mr. Padfoot feels it is his duty to rid the Hogwarts Castle of rats, and would like to make an offering of pudding to the Pudding dictator.

Mr. Moony wonders what Mr. Padfoot is up to.

* * *

**Dear Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs**

**Is it true that the Giant Squid has a soft spot for Jane Austen novels, enjoys buttered Madeleines, and answers to the name Harold?**

**-Sincerely Curious**

Mr. Moony feels it is of utmost importance that the next Marauder intelligence mission be to the great lake in order to find the answer to these questions in the name of science and scientific discovery.

Mr. Prongs thinks Mr. Moony is a nutcase.

Mr. Moony is not a nutcase, but rather, a scholar. There is a difference.

Mr. Prongs cannot see the difference.

Mr. Moony believes that Mr. Prongs must be as dumb as Mr. Padfoot if he cannot see the difference.

Mr. Padfoot thinks Mr. Moony should leave on his special intelligence mission.

Mr. Moony has decided to stay just for the sake of annoying Mr. Padfoot with his presence.

Mr. Padfoot thinks Mr. Moony is the dumb one.

* * *

**Dear Mr. Wormtail**

**What does rat poison taste like?**

**-Mr. Padfoot (who is now girlfriendless, and is never getting the Pudding Dictator any more chocolate pudding!)**

Mr. Wormtail feels like he needs to visit the hospital wing.

Mr. Moony believes it is very rude to feed Mr. Wormtail rat poising.

Mr. Padfoot wonders that Mr. Moony thinks it's only rude and not more.

Mr. Moony that Mr. Padfoot had a brain, or better yet, a heart.

Mr. Padfoot is crushed that Mr. Moony feels that he doesn't have a heart.

Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony that it was cruel to give Mr. Wormtail rat poisoning.

Mr. Moony would like to suggest that the marauders shun Mr. Padfoot for his cruelty.

Mr. Prongs agrees.

* * *

**Marauders,**

**Do you think that anything good could come from mixing a stuffed duck, neon pink paint, sparkles, and a certain group of students in the school?**

**Most Sincerely,**

**A Loyal Gryffindor**

**P.S. Do you know anyone who I could contact that would be willing to use said items?**

Mr. Prongs feels that it would be in the best interests of the Marauders to place a box in the common room for prank donations.

Mr. Moony agrees, and will get to it right away.

Mr. Padfoot is hurt that the Marauders are ignoring him.

Mr. Moony feels that if the Marauders are shunning Mr. Padfoot, that they should take away his access to the Advice Column.

Mr. Prongs agrees.

* * *

**Dear Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs,**

**Have you ever thought about creating a Marauders clothing line? I can assure you that it would be very popular among the students of Hogwarts, especially the girls.**

**Marauders Obsessed**

Mr. Moony shudders at the thought.

Mr. Prongs thinks it's a great and profitable idea.

Mr. Moony says no.

Mr. Prongs really wants to….

Mr. Moony still says no.

Mr. Prongs thinks Mr. Moony is just afraid of girls wearing his name on their shirt and chasing him around.

Mr. Moony is not afraid of that.

Mr. Prongs thinks Mr. Moony is in denial.

Mr. Moony wonders how Mr. Prongs can manage with his small brain.

* * *

**Marauders, **

**Out of everyone in Hogwarts who would you like to end up married to?**

**Drama Queen**

Mr. Prongs wonders why his fan club is so intent on knowing who he plans on marrying.

Mr. Moony thinks Mr. Prongs has a big head.

Mr. Prongs does not have a big head, just a fan club.

Mr. Moony thinks Mr. Prongs must be dumb.

Mr. Prongs has decided to dislike Mr. Moony for the duration of the day.

Mr. Moony would like to remind Mr. Prongs that there are only three minutes left in the day.

Mr. Prongs doesn't care.

Mr. Moony thinks Mr. Prongs can't read clocks.

Mr. Prongs can too read clocks.

Mr. Moony would like For Mr. Prongs to prove it.

Mr. Prongs will. It's 12:57.

Mr. Moony would like to inform Mr. Prongs that it is 11:58, not 12:57, and that this proves that Mr. Prongs cannot read clocks.

Mr. Prongs has never felt the need to tell time anyways.

* * *

_Disclaimer:_ Don't own much, just my imagination.

_Author's Note:_ I would like to give my congratulations to **Kat Shadow **and** InsaneAussieKid** for their wholly unconstructive and rude comments, and as such, I will not be featuring any questions written by them. That being said, I want to compliment all the other reviews who are responsible enough to say good or constructive thing or not say things at all. I sincerely enjoy getting your reviews, hearing people compliment my work makes my day much better, and me much happier. And to my regular reviewers/questioners, I challenge you to come up with the most random situation possible in your next question, but let's keep it rated T (don't want to get _that_ random). Let's, you and I, make this story really out there and crazy. =D Signing out, Eicher.


	9. Nine was Mine

Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs

Purveyors of Aids to Magical Mischief-Makers

are proud to present

The Marauder's Advice Column

**Dear Mr. Moony and Mr. Padfoot,**

**There have been rumors going around that you are both… together…**

**And I was really hoping you weren't because I think you are both incredibly H.O.T. and I was wondering if any type of meeting could be arranged if the rumors are false.**

**Lot's of love,**

**Puppy lover**

Mr. Padfoot would like to state that Mr. Moony has a girlfriend.

Mr. Moony expects that Mr. Padfoot would love to arrange a meeting with Puppy lover.

Mr. Prongs wonders where the rumors started from.

Mr. Wormtail would like to point fingers at Slytherin.

Mr. Padfoot agrees with Mr. Moony's statement, and will be near the portrait of Marlett the Maroon at approximately 7:50, according to Mr. Prongs' time.

Mr. Prongs is insulted that Mr. Padfoot is insulting his inability to tell time.

Mr. Moony thinks it is Mr. Prongs' fault for not actually being able to tell time in the first place.

Mr. Wormtail sees nothing wrong with not being able to read a clock.

Mr. Padfoot suspects that Mr. Wormtail is also unable to tell time.

Mr. Wormtail is going for pudding.

Mr. Prongs would like to observe Mr. Wormtail's upset state, and is going to go with him for pudding.

Mr. Moony thinks Mr. Prongs is ashamed at his inability to tell time.

Mr. Padfoot agrees.

* * *

**Dear Marauders,**

**How would you react if you were forced to spend a week with Snivellus?**

**Signed,**

**Curious Hufflepuff**

Mr. Padfoot believes that Snivellus wouldn't last longer than a day.

Mr. Moony would like to add that Snivellus would probably be sent home covered in pink, sparkly feathers, wearing obnoxious amounts of perfume, dancing like a ballerina.

Mr. Padfoot commends Mr. Moony on his imaginative ability.

Mr. Moony thanks Mr. Padfoot for the compliment.

Mr. Padfoot would like to add that he thinks that they should also send Snivellus back wearing ladies' undergarments and singing.

Mr. Wormtail is back with his pudding.

Mr. Moony would like to observe that pudding is considered a comfort food.

Mr. Wormtail thinks that Mr. Moony should be the one getting covered in feathers.

Mr. Moony would like to see Mr. Wormtail try.

Mr. Padfoot would like to observe that Mr. Wormtail is back from the kitchens and Mr. Prongs is not.

Mr. Moony believes a search mission should be launched.

Mr. Wormtail recalls Mr. Prongs getting stuck in a certain vat of rapsberry jello and marshmallow fluff.

Mr. Padfoot feels a need to join Mr. Prongs.

Mr. Moony thinks that Mr. Padfoot is childish.

* * *

**Dear Marauders,**

**Would you agree to an alliance in order to break up a certain red haired Gryffindor and a slimy, git of a Slytherin?**

**Looking forward to doing business with ya,**

**A Fellow Hater of the Junior Deatheaters**

**P.S.: Would you believe me if I told you that one of you will have a son that would take down the Dark Lord? And if so which one of you would it be?**

Mr. Prongs was unaware that they were dating.

Mr. Padfoot agrees with Mr. Prongs and believes that it is a trap.

Mr. Moony... has no comment.

Mr. Wormtail would like to make the observation that Mr. Moony is leaving without reason.

Mr. Padfoot believes that he is also venturing to the vat of raspberry jello and marshmallow fluff.

Mr. Wormtail isn't so sure.

Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Padfoot.

* * *

**Dear Marauders,**

**Have you ever ended up in a 'compromising' situation where your sexuality was questioned?**

**Werevamp**

**P.S. Mr. Moony, how many werewolves are in the forest, and do you think it would be possible for me to be bitten by one?**

Mr. Padfoot thinks that the answer to that one is clear, considering the previous questions asked.

Mr. Prongs would like to suggest that Werevamp reference Chapter 3 of The Marauder's Abridged History Book.

* * *

**Dear Sirs,**

**Is it possible to advice me on the regulations of deer hunting in the Forbidden Forest?**

**Many Thanks - **

Mr. Wormtail would like to observe that Mr. Prongs has just run from the room screaming like a girl.

Mr. Padfoot is laughing his arse off.

Mr. Moony just saw Mr. Prongs screaming like a girl in the hallway, and remembers there is a shelf on wizarding law in the library, and deer hunting regulations could be found there.

* * *

**Dear Marauders: **

**Have you heard of The Game?**

**Thank you Moony for the enlightening detail. But may Wormtail desist his thievery of my pudding? (I mean, although I don't eat sweets a lot, it's still rude!) **

**My friend who is confused found a pair of glasses belonging to a stag. I currently hold it. Whoever's glasses these are, please step forward. Thank you.**

**Grateful Lemon Drop**

Mr. Wormtail has heard of the Game, but is sworn not to talk of it.

Mr. Padfoot would like to add that Mr. Wormtail is certified Pudding Dictator, and therefore will continue to steal pudding, no matter the consequences.

Mr. Moony suggests leaving the glasses in the forbidden forest somewhere, perhaps in a trap of some sort.

Mr. Padfoot would like to add that the vat of raspberry jello and marshmallow fluff is better than pudding.

* * *

**Marauders:**

**What would the Marauders do if they knew that there is a four-student fifth-year boy group in Hisptrens Academy (wizarding school of Spain), who call themselves the Matadores and have the nicknames Booty, Prudenail, Proudsoot and Thongs?**

**A Very International Señorita**

**PS would Mr. Padfoot be interested in meeting said señorita during the next long-weekend in the Canary Islands? She would like to add that there will also be an exchange programme with Hogwarts lter in the year and that the rest of the Marauders will meet her soon enough then. **

**She would also like to point out that she has found a black-hole that allows her to teleport herself from the JKR section of her library to just behind Silvester te Sinister's Statue in Hogwarts on the fifth-floor.**

Mr. Padfoot would like to state that he will be at that statue at approximately 8:00 clock tonight.

Mr. Moony believes that the Marauders would immediately make contact, and will, pending an official Marauder Vote.

Mr. Wormtial didn't know there were other wizarding schools aside from Hogwarts.

* * *

**Dear Marauders,**

**Is food (and avoiding certain questions) really the most important thing to you? And if not, what is?**

**Rainy Cookies**

Mr. Moony believes that for the majority of the Marauders, it is the most important thing, and he is not part of that majority.

Mr. Prongs has seen Mr. Moony eat more food than Messrs. Padfoot and Wormtail combined.

Mr. Moony does not recall that incident.

* * *

**Marauders:**

**I have lived in Godric's Hollow my entire life, living above the bakery. I wanted to ask you what fun you could have with a doughnut? **

**P.S: my friend L rolls her eyes and asks me to get a life.**

**The (bored) Almighty Banana Queen**

Mr. Wormtail does not believe that life is essential for life.

Mr. Moony wonders if Mr. Wormtail realizes what he just said.

Mr. Padfoot thinks that the best thing to be done with a doughnut is to have then addressed to Mr. Padfoot at Hogwarts.

Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Padfoot and remembers the delicious doughnuts at that bakery, and requests that some be sent to Mr. Prongs as well.

Mr. Moony wonders if Messrs. Padfoot and Prongs think only with their stomachs.

Mr. Padfoot thinks there is nothing wrong with that.

* * *

**Mr. Wormtail,**

**What IS your favorite type of pudding? **

**-Fellow Pudding Lover 3**

Mr. Padfoot would like to state that Mr. Wormtail does not discriminate in the world of pudding, but is unable to answer himself because his face is currently in a bowl of pudding.

* * *

**Dear Marauders,**

**How do you keep on top of your schoolwork while pranking certain greasy Slytherins and unearthing illegal animagius cells? Don't you ever sleep?**

**Sincerely,**

**Overworked and Underenthused**

Mr. Moony would like to state that the Marauders are not actually sleeping most nights.

Mr. Padfoot would like to add the Marauders make very good use of energy potions.

Mr. Wormtail uses pudding instead of energy potion.

Mr. Moony would like to state that the majority of the Marauders do not do their own homework.

Mr. Prongs does his own homework most of the time.

Mr. Moony would deny that.

* * *

**Most Loathed Bloodtraitors**

**Aren't you ashamed of being the most wretched and vile scum this school has ever known? Never have these walls witnessed such a loathing combination of bloodtraitors and common filth, who associate with mudbloods, lack any sense of propriety and go about parading their own ridiculous inferiority! You are despicable! Know that the most noble House of Slytherin will never be affected by your petty and unimaginative insults, and that in due time, when the New Order is installed, your kind shall know the Doom which is so righteously deserved. Just DROP DEAD! **

**- The Half-Blood Prince**

Mr. Prongs motions that the Marauders unite with the whole of the loyal Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, and Ravenclaw houses in defense of all alleged 'blood traitors'.

Mr. Moony warns the Slytherins to beware.

* * *

**Marauders,**

**Do you happen to know why there is a ticking ball outside of the Gryffindor common room?**

**A Loyal Gryffindor**

Mr. Padfoot has volunteered to go investigate.

Mr. Moony wonders if the Marauders will see Mr. Padfoot again outside of the hospital wing.

Mr. Wormtail is confused.

Mr. Moony doesn't feel like explaining right now.

* * *

**Dear Mr. Moony,**

**You seem to know much about Animaguses. Could you help me with a report for Defense Against the Dark Arts?**

**Sincerely,**

**Animagus-less**

Mr. Moony would like to state that there are two shelves in the library dedicated to animagus training, and encourages the reader to do some real research.

Mr. Prongs would like to add that Prof. McGonagall is an animagi, and would probably know a bit about the subject too.

Mr. Wormtail can say that the transformation is really hard.

Mr. Moony agrees with Mr. Wormtail that many books have that to say about the subject.

* * *

**And for the Messrs Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs:**

**Have any of your previous pranks involved entering a common-room that was not your own? If so, would you be so kind to give me a couple hints to accessing common-rooms of the other houses? In particular, redecorating the Slytherin Common Room would be a good idea...**

**Smart But Novice Re-decorator**

Mr. Prongs regrets to inform that the Marauders have not yet broken into other common rooms, but are working on getting past the defenses.

Mr. Wormtail remembers that the Marauders have friends in other houses that give them passwords.

Mr. Moony would like to clarify that the Marauders do not have any such friends in Slytherin, as they are all scum.

Mr. Prongs would like to reassure the public that the Marauders are working diligently to discover a way into the Slytherin commons.

* * *

**Mr. Wormtail:**

**Why is it that I have heard you are being seen with Slytherins lately?**

**Sincerely**

**Confused Gryffindor**

Mr. Wormtail feels a need for more pudding.

Mr. Moony would also like to reassure the public that any Marauders seen associating with Slytherins are strictly on intelligence gathering missions.

Mr. Padfoot feels betrayed that Mr. Moony did not stop him from investigating the mysterious ticking noise.

Mr. Moony is also going to go get pudding.

Mr. Prongs gives his condolences to Mr. Padfoot.

* * *

**Dear Marauders: **

**If I told you that Mr. Padfoot would become godfather to Mr. Prongs's son and that Mr. Moony would get married and have a son, what would you think? **

**Love, **

**Sister Psychic**

Mr. Padfoot would wonder what Mr. Prongs was thinking at the time, deciding to have a child.

Mr. Prongs would wonder what he was thinking when he made Mr. Padfoot the godfather, and not Mr. Moony.

Mr. Padfoot is offended.

Mr. Moony would wonder who the girl was.

Mr. Wormtail would be wishing that there was a girl that liked him.

Mr. Moony feels that Mr. Padfoot should stop impersonating Mr. Wormtail.

Mr. Padfoot admits to his deceit, and does not care.

Mr. Wormtail is offended.

* * *

**Dear Marauders,**

**What do you say to the rumors that Gordric Gryffindor is actually an illegal animagus and currently lives in the lake as the giant squid?**

**-Squidhugger**

Mr. Prongs would say that the Marauders need to move up the scheduled intelligence mission to the Great Lake, and determine if it is true that Godric Gryffindor is a squid who enjoys Jane Austen Novels.

Mr. Wormtail isn't so sure about the expedition at all.

Mr. Padfoot remembers that Mr. Wormtail can't swim.

Mr. Moony feels that the Marauders should teach Mr. Wormtail how to swim.

Mr. Wormtail is afraid of water.

Mr. Prongs thinks that that's a stupid fear.

Mr. Padfoot agrees.

Mr. Wormtail wants more pudding.

Mr. Moony thinks he is right to say that pudding is in fact a comfort food.

Mr. Padfoot agrees, oddly enough.

* * *

**Dear Padfoot,**

**If I were to inform you of a certain plot involving some of your cousins, your brother, a few of your heartbroken ex-girlfriends, and a rather nasty book of hexes, would you be eternally grateful?**

**Double Agent**

Mr. Padfoot would be very grateful.

Mr. Prongs thinks that the Marauders should move up the planned prank mission against Slytherin.

(Cricket chirps)

* * *

**Dear Marauders,**

**I may or may not be stuck outside of my common room and it may or may not be after curfew so I may or may not get in huge trouble if I get caught. Saying that, I was wondering if you were any good at riddles. If you are, can you answer this one?**

**"What goes up but never comes down?"**

**Sincerely,**

**No Reason**

(More cricket chirps)

Mr. Wormtail thinks it is the Slytherin Mr. Padfoot attached to the Entrance Hall ceiling with a permanent sticking charm.

* * *

**Dear Marauders:**

**What would happen if you went to the room of requirement and asked for a portal to Narnia?... because I am REALLY curious about that!**

**Your friend,**

**The lost Narnian**

**P.S. I know your futures and think you should not trust rats.**

Mr. Padfoot thinks that the Room of Requirement would probably make a portal.

Mr. Prongs thinks that the Marauders should launch another intelligence mission to Narnia.

Mr. Padfoot seconds the notion.

Mr. Wormtail wonders where Narnia is.

Mr. Moony thinks Mr. Wormtail should read more.

* * *

**Dear Marauders:**

**Did you hear that if you stand on the 13****th**** step of the 9****th**** staircase to the right of the Divination Tower and do the Macarena for 15 minutes straight, you'll be dropped into an enormous vat of marshmallow fluff and raspberry jello, where you have no way to escape but to eat yourself out? It's just a rumor, of course.**

**On a completely unrelated topic, do you know a quick and easy way to remove EverStick Brand Jello from robes?**

**Sincerely,**

**Gossip Girl (Who Likes Both Marshmallows and Jello)**

Mr. Wormtail would like to state that he enjoys jello.

Mr. Padfoot feels an extreme need to go find this vat of raspberry jello and marshmallow fluff.

Mr. Moony is amazed that the Marauders have not managed to discover this vat, if it exists.

Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony, and believers that an expedition should be launched to find this mythically delicious vat of marshmallow and jello.

Mr. Padfoot seconds the motion to launch an expedition in search of a vat of marshmallow fluff and raspberry jello.

Mr. Moony would like all Marauders in favor to say "aye like a pirate".

Mr. Wormtail says "aye like a pirate".

Mr. Padfoot also says "aye like a pirate".

Mr. Prongs shouts "aye like a magical pirate".

Mr. Wormtail is jealous of Mr. Prongs' use of the word 'shouts' rather than 'says'.

Mr. Moony would like to add that Mr. Prongs did not cast his vote in the proper way by adding the word 'magical'.

Mr. Prongs is just that awesome.

Mr. Padfoot thinks Mr. Prongs needs to have his head deflated.

Mr. Moony is in agreement with Mr. Padfoot, and would also like to say "aye like a pirate".

Mr. Prongs never thought he'd see the day when Mr. Moony agreed with Mr. Padfoot, or that Mr. Moony would agree to go on an expedition that will most certainly land the Marauders in a very sticky situation.

Mr. Wormtail likes sticky situations if they involve marshmallow fluff and raspberry jello.

Mr. Padfoot believes that the motion has passed, and therefore the Marauders should commence their expedition for the mythical delicious vat of marshmallow fluff and raspberry jello!

* * *

_Disclaimer:_ They're not mine... I wish they were.

_Author's Note:_ So here's the run down: I'm giving a round of sincere applause to **LightDarkandChaos** because I felt that I could not do their Advice Column Question justice in this format, so, I wrote a cut scene to go with it, and all of that can be found over in **The Marauder's Rebridged Appendix**, and I strongly suggest you read. I'll be adding to it when I get the time, and most of the stuff I add to it will be taken out of here, so... Advertising bit over, thank you guys so much for reviewing. You are a really great audience, and I am sincerely appreciative for all the good reviews I get. You're the one that make this awesome, keep the questions comming. Signing out, Eicher._  
_


	10. Ten has the Pen

Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs

Purveyors of Aids to Magical Mischief-Makers

are proud to present

The Marauder's Advice Column

**Dear Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs,**

**I know your futures. -**

Mr. Moony suggests that the Marauders read no more of this question, as it may possibly interrupt the space-time continuum, as according to Ministry law, knowledge of the future by those involved primarily in that future inherently changes that future, such that prior knowledge becomes useless, and is thus, best left alone.

Mr. Wormtail does not understand.

Mr. Moony is saying that it's against the law to know your future for good reasons.

Mr. Wormtail feels that he now understands, and instead of knowing their futures, the Marauders should get pudding.

Mr. Prongs remembers his crazy great-uncle, who died of unknown causes after using a time-turner in a non-ministry approved way, and thus feels that the future should not be meddled with.

Mr. Padfoot agrees with Mr. Moony on the grounds that the future is always an unknown, regardless of knowledge of any sort, since time is half of a dimension, existing up to only the present, with only the ability to move forward, and only the knowledge of the past, and that thus, time only exists up to the present, according to theorist Eicher.

Mr. Moony wonders when Padfoot actually did reading in the subject of time.

Mr. Prongs wonders that Mr. Padfoot actually read something.

Mr. Padfoot claims it was in the Quibbler, and that he has maintained a record of never setting foot in the library.

Mr. Moony is rolling his eyes.

Mr. Wormtail feels that the library can have useful information.

Mr. Padfoot has never seen evidence of this useful information.

Mr. Moony would like to point out that Mr. Padfoot will never see evidence of the library's useful information if he never sets foot in the library.

Mr. Prongs would like to declare Mr. Moony the winner of this argument.

Mr. Padfoot accepts defeat.

* * *

**Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs,**

**I can trust you right? So I need some advice... There is a boy I like in Gryffindor, and he's had three girlfriends at once, but he is just so drop dead gorgeous... I just don't know how to get up the courage to say something to him.**

**A Muggleborn Dancer**

P.S. I'm a 4th year Gryffindor

Mr. Padfoot is proud to be "drop dead gorgeous".

Mr. Moony would like for Mr. Padfoot to at least pretend to be concerned with more than his less than satisfactory looks.

Mr. Padfoot is slightly confused.

Mr. Prongs believes that Mr. Moony was saying something along the lines of "Mr. Padfoot should get his head out of his arse".

Mr. Wormtail didn't know it was possible to stick one's head up one's arse.

Mr. Moony is ashamed that Mr. Wormtail does not realize that the phrase is a metaphor.

Mr. Wormtail does not realize a lot of things.

Mr. Padfoot agrees with Mr. Wormtail.

Mr. Prongs thinks that Mr. Padfoot is not supposed to agree.

Mr. Padfoot does not care.

Mr. Moony really thinks that Mr. Padfoot needs to, crudely said, seriously get his bloody head out of his arse, and learn some manners.

Mr. Padfoot would like to reiterate that his family is and was incapable of teaching manners and the ability to treat people nicely.

Mr. Prongs would think that five years at Hogwarts would be enough to fix that.

Mr. Padfoot says that eleven years of damage cannot be fixed by only five years of rehabilitation.

Mr. Wormtail is lost.

Mr. Moony would like to stop arguing about Mr. Padfoot's disabilities in the way of decency, and move on to the next question.

* * *

**Dear Marauders,**

**Aren't you worried that you'll get fat from eating all that pudding and such? How do you stay thin?**

**Anna Aza**

Mr. Padfoot would like to state that Mr. Wormtail is not thin, and has indeed gotten fat from eating all that pudding.

Mr. Wormtail, the almighty Pudding Dictator, is not fat and stays thin by making a daily walk to the kitchens, which are further away than thought.

Mr. Moony can't help but laugh.

* * *

**Dear Marauders:**

**I know your secrets. I know how you sneak around the school, I know who you are, I know what dorm you're in, and I know a recipe for a great love potion. Find me and I will reveal all.**

**Sister Psychic**

Mr. Moony fears that the Marauders have their very first stalker.

Mr. Prongs fears that Mr. Moony is right.

Mr. Padfoot fears being forced to admit that Mr. Moony is right.

Mr. Wormtail wonders if the Marauders should find this stalker.

Mr. Moony wonders if the stalker is actually psychic.

Mr. Padfoot wonders if the stalker is related to Divination Student Professor.

Mr. Prongs wonders if the stalker is the Divination Student Professor.

Mr. Wormtail shudders.

* * *

**Mr. Wormtail,**

**I give up... I'm just going to eat Ice Cream cake as a substitute.**

**Messers. Moony, Padfoot and Prongs,**

**I refuse to hide the glasses in just one trap. I shall hold the glasses hostage in 9001 traps!**

**Aggressive Lemon Drop**

Mr. Wormtail rejoices in the new lack of competition for Pudding.

Mr. Moony wonders if the owner of the glasses will ever find that particular pair of glasses again.

Mr. Prongs thinks that the owner of the glasses probably has gotten another pair of glasses by now, and will not come looking for the lost pair.

Mr. Padfoot is concerned for his stash of Ice Cream cake.

Mr. Wormtail doesn't care, because the pudding is all his, alllll his.

Mr. Moony is beginning to wonder about Mr. Wormtail's sanity and uncommon obsession with pudding.

Mr. Prongs is wondering the same.

Mr. Wormtail is going to go refill his stash of Pudding Dictator pudding with the pudding from the pudding kitchens.

Mr. Padfoot would like to note the obscene usage of the word pudding.

Mr. Prongs does not believe that the usage of the word pudding is actually obscene unless used in a phrase such as "pudding you".

Mr. Moony was unaware that the word pudding could be substituted for other explicative words.

* * *

**Marauders,**

**I know a way into a certain dungeon area dungeon of the school dungeon that you've been wanting to enter dungeon. Let me know if you're in and I'll owl you. And can someone explain why there was a cloud of tennis balls floating around in the Entrance Hall?**

**A Loyal Gryffindor**

Mr. Wormtail thought that anybody could go into the dungeon.

Mr. Moony believes that the Loyal Gryffindor may be talking about the Slytherin Dorms, which are in the dungeon.

Mr. Prongs believes that no further action should be taken until it is confirmed that the Loyal Gryffindor is indeed loyal to Gryffindor and is talking about the Slytherin Dungeon Dorms.

Mr. Padfoot agrees, and blames the cloud of tennis balls on Mr. Moony.

Mr. Moony claims full responsibility for said cloud.

Mr. Wormtail wonders where Mr. Moony got all the tennis balls.

Mr. Moony used a replicating spell on one from Muggle Studies.

Mr. Prongs should remind Mr. Moony not to share Marauder Trade Secrets in such an open place.

* * *

**Dear Mr. Wormtail,**

**How come you don't ever get asked out?**

**Sincerely,**

**Just Wondering**

Mr. Moony would like to note that Mr. Wormtail has left the room in search of comfort pudding to console his lack of girlfriend, and that Messrs. Padfoot and Prongs are too busy laughing their arses off to respond further to his inquiry.

* * *

**Dear Marauders,**

**Out of curiosity, have you ever heard of Caramelldansen? I'm asking because I heard from a friend's friend's friend's cousin that the portrait of the lady in white in the second floor main corridor opens to a room made entirely of pudding and those little gummy thingies if you sing the Caramelldansen song and do a little dance. It's just a rumour, of course. On a completely unrelated note, did you know that pudding is next to impossible to get out of hair?**

**Gossip Girl (Who Does Not Regret The Hours Spent Washing Her Hair)**

Mr. Prongs wonders if Mr. Wormtail has ever discovered this room.

Mr. Padfoot imagines he must have what with his pudding nose.

Mr. Moony doesn't think that Mr. Wormtail would have been able to figure out how to get into the room even if he found it.

Mr. Padfoot accepts that as Mr. Wormtail's reason for not finding this room, and will torment him about it from this day forward.

Mr. Prongs feels that Mr. Padfoot will never learn decency.

Mr. Moony knows he'll never learn, no matter how many years are spent trying to teach him.

Mr. Padfoot would like to at least get credit for trying.

Mr. Moony will never give Mr. Padfoot credit for trying because Mr. Padfoot has never tried, just like he believes that the library is useless solely because he's never read a book from there.

Mr. Padfoot doesn't know what to say to that.

Mr. Prongs doesn't think that Mr. Padfoot needs to say anything because his silence would speak for itself.

Mr. Padfoot believes that Mr. Prongs also needs to gain some decency.

* * *

**Dear Marauders,**

**There is a rumor going around that a working Muggle "television" is in working order somewhere inside Hogwarts! If this is true, would you guys mind finding it. I've also heard this "television" is VERY entertaining.**

**Rainy Cookies**

Mr. Moony has already found this television, as it is currently in the Muggle Studies classroom where it belongs.

Mr. Padfoot wants to know what a television does.

Mr. Moony will not tell Mr. Padfoot until he learns some decency.

Mr. Wormtail has returned with his precious... his precious pudding.

* * *

**Dear Messers Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs,**

**Is there any way to get into Hogsmeade without getting caught? My best friend really likes candy and sugar and drives me and my dormmates crazy if she doesn't get sugar.**

**Being Driven Crazy**

Mr. Prongs states that there is, but he is not at liberty to discuss that in a public place.

Mr. Moony suggests meeting Mr. Padfoot at one of his many spots, or possibly just dating him, and becoming his fourth girlfriend.

Mr. Padfoot only has two girlfriends right now.

Mr. Moony assumes that one of them found out about the other two.

Mr. Prongs thinks that one of them got fed up with Mr. Padfoot's lack of decency.

Mr. Wormtail thinks it was a combination of the two.

Mr. Moony sees Mr. Wormtail's statement as the most logical since the multiple girlfriends stems from the lack of decency.

Mr. Prongs agrees wholeheartedly.

Mr. Padfoot declares War on the other three Mauders, and would like to invite Being Driven Crasy to meet him at 6:00 Prongs' time tonight in front of the white lady portrait on the second floor.

Mr. Prongs is offended at Mr. Padfoot's usage of the term Prongs' time.

Mr. Padfoot has already declared war, and hence cannot care.

* * *

**Marauders:**

**I found my sister standing on top of a wall, holding assorted sweets and treats, and declaring war on haters of candy. She is now trying to find allies to her candy war. I don't know what to do. She was yelling about killing all nonbelievers, for some reason...**

**For the record, she asked me if you want to be an ally of the Candy side. Well, do you? And do you know what to do?**

**A Very Confused Ravenclaw**

Mr. Wormtail will join the Candy Allies, as well as all the pudding he can muster.

Mr. Padfoot is at war with Mr. Wormtail and is thus, unfortunately forced to join the Nonbelievers' Forces.

Mr. Prongs is in disbelief that Mr. Padfoot would side against Candy.

Mr. Padfoot reminds Mr. Prongs that the Maraduer Codex states that war status among Marauders cannot be revoked until a full day has past, and according to the Codex's rules of war, those opposing each other must continue to oppose each other until the end of the war.

Mr. Prongs laughs at Mr. Padfoot.

Mr. Moony wonders if the sister of A Very Confused Ravenclaw is the best friend of Being Driven Crazy...

* * *

**Dear Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs;**

**Are you getting incredibly sick of people who claim to be able to see your futures? And what do you suggest should be done with them? I know the gratuitous overuse of rat puns is irritating me. **

**And another question: What is the best way you know of to get past the species of tree known as a 'Whomping Willow'? I want to practice on it while it's young, start a tradition, so to speak. **

**Yours,**

**Miss Ginger Ninja**

Mr. Wormtail does find the rat puns annoying.

Mr. Moony reminds Mr. Wormtail that he is not at liberty to discuss why the rat puns are offensive.

Mr. Padfoot also finds those claiming to know the future are annoying as he is a disbeliever in divination.

Mr. Prongs wonders why Mr. Padfoot is taking the class if he doesn't believe in it.

Mr. Padfoot says in his defense that there are some very good looking women taking that class.

Mr. Moony also agrees that people seeing the future are annoying, as according to Ministry Law, they are to report any successful divination directly to the Department of Mysteries who will then determine whether or not the information can be shared and to whom it is shared.

Mr. Wormtail would like to say that the Herbology book's section on Magical Trees says something about a sensitive root that the tree has.

Mr. Padfoot is amazed that Mr. Wormtail remembered something he read in a book.

Mr. Moony would like to remind Mr. Padfoot that it was a question on the last Herbology Test.

Mr. Padfoot has no comment.

Mr. Prongs is laughing.

* * *

_Author's Note: _You the reviewers are great, it's true. So here are a few ruleish things on submitting questions to my story through those awesome reviews: keep it canon which includes not telling the Marauders their futures; be one person asking those questions because I, as the author, am the only one allowed to have multiple personalities; and avoid adding people to the Marauders, meaning there are only four of them and there are no other groups in the school like them. Now some tips on making your question more interesting: you can be anyone in the school, a nasty Slytherin, a huggable Hufflepuff, a brainiac Ravenclaw, or even a teacher, spice it up and have more than Gryffindors asking questions; create unusual situations and just be creative there; or draw on stuff that's already in the story, maybe a question needs a follow-up question in the next chapter, but don't let those follow-up questions go on for too long. Okay, I've said what I want to say. Sorry if I didn't include your question in this chapter, it's because it doesn't meet the specifications above, so try and make a better question for next time. Thank you all for the reviews. Signing out, Eicher.

_Disclaimer:_ How many times have I had this at the end?... They're not mine.


	11. Eleven changes things

Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs

Purveyors of Aids to Magical Mischief-Makers

are proud to present

The Marauder's Advice Column

**Dear Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs,**

**I really like this guy in my class, but he never seems to notice me, just walks right by laughing with his friends. He's really smart, funny, in my house, extremely kind, and loves books, like me. We've talked a few times in the library, and I've seen him carrying a lot of the same books as me, but the guys he hangs out with can be total bullying pricks, and they sometimes pick on me, though he doesn't join in. How do I tell if he likes me? How do I decide if it's worth asking him out when he just lets his friends walk all over me and a lot of other people? I know we have a lot in common, we take almost all the same classes and we're both really consistent students, but he never goes on any dates. Should I ask him out? Or wait for him to maybe get the hint and ask ME out? I'm so confused, signed,**

**Griff' Girl**

Mr. Padfoot thinks that Griff' Girl should do what all other Hogwarts females seem to do: demand that the male population changes, discover that men cannot change that easily, and then become a man hater.

Mr. Moony would like to state that Mr. Padfoot has just lost his most recent of girlfriends.

Mr. Prongs would like to add that this was because said girlfriend was displeased with Mr. Padfoot's apparent laziness and lack of interest in anything even remotely close to a serious relationship.

Mr. Padfoot did not need the public to know that.

Mr. Wormtail thinks it is a suitable fate for a pudding hater like Mr. Padfoot.

Mr. Padfoot does not understand Mr. Wormtail's apparent obsessions with pudding.

Mr. Moony thinks that both Mr. Padfoot and Mr. Wormtail need to grow up and start realizing that there are bigger problems in the world than pudding and girls.

Mr. Padfoot currently refuses to see such bigger problems as they are more easily ignored.

Mr. Prongs thinks Mr. Padfoot needs to face his family issues at some point.

Mr. Wormtail thinks that pudding can make anything better.

Mr. Padfoot has decided to not let his family decide his life, and prefers to ignore the problems that decision causes whilst at a neutral location, Hogwarts.

Mr. Wormtail thinks that the Marauders should let the issue drop and focus on pudding.

* * *

**Dear Celebrated and Hilarious Marauders,**

**The Official Ravenclaw Club of Thought-Provoking and Slightly Rhetorical Questions asks you: What would you guys be without magic? What would you do if you had to live as a Muggle? **

'**Claw Inquiries**

**P.S. Padfoot, you're an arse, but I think you're hot and hilarious.**

Mr. Padfoot thanks 'Claw Inquiries for the complements and invites them to a rendezvous on the 7th floor across from the tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy.

Mr. Prongs would like to answer the question for Mr. Padfoot, firmly believing that if muggle, Mr. Padfoot would be a male prosti—

Mr. Moony would like to finish Mr. Prongs' statement for him, by saying that Mr. Padfoot would be a professional stick figure artist who is obviously male.

Mr. Prongs cannot imagine Mr. Padfoot as anything other than a male prostit—

Mr. Moony would like to remind Mr. Prongs that the Advice Column is still being monitored by Professor McGonagal.

Mr. Prongs would like Mr. Moony to stop ruining his fun at Mr. Padfoot's expense, because everyone knows that they have more money, those male prostit—

Mr. Padfoot wonders why a male professional stick figure artist would be richer.

Mr. Wormtail thinks that he would be a professional pudding connoisseur if he was muggle.

Mr. Padfoot realizes what Mr. Prongs attempted to call him and is appalled that Mr. Prongs would think such a thing, but firmly believes that Mr. Prongs would join him as a male prostitut—

Mr. Moony declares that the Marauders are moving on.

* * *

**Not so dear Messrs. Loony, Wormface, Madfoot and Wrong,**

**I demand that you explain why my whole house's pumpkin pies exploded at dinner the other night! I know it was you, so no denying it! My bleached hair turned orange! ORANGE! I demand you tell me how to get it out!**

**Furious and Revengeful Viper**

Mr. Padfoot regretfully reports that the Marauders used muggle food coloring which permanently stains.

Mr. Moony would like to helpfully add that shaving one's hair might solve the problem.

Mr. Wormtail thinks that eating pudding can fix the problem, because pudding fixes everything.

Mr. Prongs would like to point out that it was Mr. Padfoot's idea.

Mr. Padfoot proudly claims that it was his idea.

Mr. Moony rolls his eyes.

Mr. Wormtail likes pudding.

* * *

**Mr. Padfoot,**

**How do you get your hair that way? How long does it take?**

**Vengeful Lemon Drop**

Mr. Prongs thinks it is a rather boring affair that Mr. Padfoot is entirely too interested in, as it takes four hours each morning doing nothing but staring in the mirror and adjusting a single piece of hair every half hour.

Mr. Padfoot does not spend that much time on his hair!

Mr. Moony did not see any undue exaggeration in Mr. Prongs' statement.

Mr. Wormtail is usually too busy easting pudding to notice.

Mr. Prongs would rather not hear Mr. Padfoot tell about his hair for the next fifty thousand pages, and suggests that the Marauders move one before he has a chance.

Mr. Moony agrees.

* * *

**Mr. Padfoot,**

**Thank you VERY much for knocking over my crystal ball in Divination last week! You had better watch your back. Oh, and my friend and I will be telling your Head of House that you sneaked into our Common Room to visit your Ravenclaw girlfriend. You do realize that she's changing her appearance before every date with you, right? That's why you never see her around school. Remember, watch your back Padfoot. **

**Sister Psych'**

Mr. Padfoot is appalled to know that his most recent girlfriend has deceived him in such a way.

Mr. Moony is supremely surprised that Mr. Padfoot seriously thought that he was dating a Ravenclaw in his year that he didn't have any classes with, even though Gryffindor has several classes with Ravenclaw, like Charms and History of Magic.

Mr. Padfoot admits that he found the idea of a secret girlfriend very alluring.

Mr. Prongs thinks that Mr. Padfoot is just trying to cover up that he was oblivious.

Mr. Padfoot denies any such thing.

Mr. Wormtail is appalled that Mr. Padfoot would deny himself pudding.

Mr. Padfoot wonders if Mr. Wormtail is loosing it.

Mr. Moony would like Mr. Padfoot to remember the most recent of experimental curses that he tried on Mr. Wormtail.

Mr. Padfoot forgot, and has decided that the effects of the curse are demeaning and make a person look sincerely delusional.

Mr. Wormtail will go on a pudding rampage if this discrimination against pudding does not end soon.

Mr. Padfoot would like to remind Mr. Wormtail that he has been on a pudding rampage since the day he was born.

Mr. Prongs thinks that Mr. Padfoot is being unfairly cruel to Mr. Wormtail

* * *

**Dear Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, and Prongs,**

**I really, really have this prank I need to pull... On a very cruel person, who deserves it... Possibly a Slytherin, probably not a Slytherin though... What do you suggest?**

**Sister Psych'**

Mr. Padfoot would like to state that the Marauders are all out of ideas, but the experimental pudding curse might be a suitable punishment.

Mr. Moony wonders if Mr. Padfoot knows what he is saying.

Mr. Padfoot is too enthralled with pudding to care about what he says.

Mr. Prongs is certain that Mr. Padfoot did not realize what he said.

Mr. Wormtail is excited to know that he has another dedicated pudding follower.

Mr. Padfoot would like to invite Mr. Wormtail on a pilgrimage to the secret Hogwarts pudding shrine.

Mr. Wormtail is excited and would like to depart immediately.

Mr. Moony wonders if there is a counter curse for the experimental pudding curse, and really hopes that Mr. Padfoot was not the only one who knows said counter curse.

Mr. Prongs hopes that Mr. Padfoot built in a timer when he made the experimental pudding curse.

Mr. Moony agrees.

* * *

**Dear Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs,**

**A close friend of mine has become a problem. He has suddenly decided he likes me. This is annoying, because he's a good friend and now he's just awkward to be around. How do I tell him, nicely, that I'd like for him to be quarantined until he gets over it? **

**Annoyed Raven'**

Mr. Prongs believes it is much easier to simply quarantine the guy rather than telling him that you want to do so.

Mr. Moony is in a mood so as to agree with Mr. Prongs' rude statement.

Mr. Prongs hopes that Mr. Moony has not been affected by the dreaded experimental pudding curse.

Mr. Moony assures him that he has not, and is only attempting to make up for Mr. Padfoot's absence of cruel comments.

Mr. Prongs understands, but wonders who is going to make up for Mr. Moony's new found absense of level headed reasoning.

Mr. Moony doesn't know and doesn't care.

Mr. Prongs is scared of the new Mr. Moony.

* * *

**Dear Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, and Prongs**

**Do you know any way to get the drop dead gorgeous boy alone to tell him? I have NO experience in dating. Can you help me? **

**Muggleborn Dancer**

Mr. Moony thinks that Muggleborn Dancer should do what all other Hogwarts females seem to do: demand that the male population changes, discover that men cannot change that easily, and then become a man hater.

Mr. Prongs is really scared and wonders if there is a new experimental curse at work here.

Mr. Padfoot would like to announce that there is a new experimental curse at work here, and he has chosen to call it the reasonable turn-around curse.

Mr. Prongs demands that Mr. Padfoot removes the curse immediately.

Mr. Moony wonders where Mr. Wormtail is.

Mr. Padfoot must unfortunately report that Mr. Wormtail has been lost to the pudding shrine and currently suffering the after effects of pudding deprivation.

Mr. Prongs would like to note the inordinate amount of pudding that Mr. Padfoot brought back with him.

Mr. Padfoot says that pudding deprivation is an unfortunate after effect of the experimental pudding curse.

Mr. Moony facepalms.

Mr. Prongs wonders if Mr. Moony is alright.

* * *

**Dear Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs,**

**If someone dared you to stand on the table and sing the Hogwarts school song at the top of your lungs at breakfast tomorrow, would you do it?**

**Drama Queen**

Mr. Padfoot would like to consider it dared, and would like to tell Drama Queen to expect it at breakfast tomorrow.

* * *

**Dear Mr. Moony,**

**How can you put up with those idiots? **

**Worried Gryff'**

**P.S. Why are you all so mean to Mr. Padfoot? He may be annoying, stuck up, idiotic, annoying, self-centered, in love with his hair, annoying, immature, annoying, a cheating boyfriend, annoying... but...**

Mr. Moony would like to state in his defense that the Marauders are all very intelligent, though they don't necessarily apply their intelligence in the optimal ways.

Mr. Prongs would like to take this opportunity to agree with Mr. Moony.

Mr. Padfoot denies that he is any of those things.

* * *

**Marauders,**

**That is what you call yourselves, isn't it? Anyway, I seem to have stumbled across a slight problem. I seem to have stumbled into this world from the Netherworld. The redhead girl whose room I appeared in directed me to you lot, claiming that you're "responsible for anything that ever goes wrong at Hogwarts, ever."**

**I find this difficult to believe in a school of this size, but I don't have a lot of options. Have any of you inadvertently opened a hole to the Netherworld recently? This place is too cold for my liking; my glasses keep fogging up and I've had to start wearing my coat properly! Do you have any idea how frustrating that is?**

**And if anyone asks about the blood on the carpets, I blame the idiots in green. 'Mudblood' indeed.**

**Wanderer**

Mr. Padfoot would like to 'blame the idiots in green' for the Wanderer's problem.

Mr. Moony admits that the Marauders had no part in the opening of a hole into the nether world.

Mr. Prongs would like to add that 'the idiots in green' are rabid supporters of the dark arts and have been known to conduct experiments in the dark arts from time to time.

Mr. Padfoot would like to point out in particular that Bellatrix Black has a particular obsession with the dark arts.

Mr. Wormtail is sad to report that the idiots in green has stolen his pudding and the Marauders need to seek revenge and pudding.

Mr. Padfoot regrettably agrees with Mr. Wormtail as the after effects of the experimental pudding curse are severe.

Mr. Moony will allow the Marauders to go on a pudding quest.

Mr. Wormtail is in celebration.

*cricket chirp*

* * *

**Marauders,**

**If you could do anything to Snivlellus, what would you do?**

**Tiger child**

Mr. Padfoot would allow him to walk in to a dangerous situation that may or may not get him killed.

Mr. Moony is appalled at Mr. Padfoot's cruelness.

Mr. Prongs would not do anything so severe.

Mr. Moony thinks that the worst that the Marauders should ever do is pranks.

Mr. Padfoot thinks it would be the best prank ever pulled.

Mr. Prongs would like to remind Mr. Padfoot of the oaths the Marauders take at the initiation ceremony.

Mr. Padfoot thinks that Snivlellus is a danger to the school.

Mr. Moony thinks that the students are rarely a threat to the safety of the school.

Mr. Padfoot points out Mr. Moony's use of the word 'rarely'.

Mr. Moony thinks that this argument should be continued in a less public place.

Mr. Prongs agree, and suggests Marauder Sanctus.

* * *

**Marauders,**

**Do you each have a favorite Quidditch team? If so which one? **

**A Falmouth Falcons Fan**

Mr. Prongs would like to state that all of the Marauders fully support the Gryffindor quidditch team.

Mr. Wormtail is in support of pudding.

Mr. Padfoot did not curse Mr. Wormtail with the experimental pudding curse again.

Mr. Moony does not believe Mr. Padfoot.

Mr. Padfoot loves pudding.

Mr. Prongs thinks that Mr. Moony is the cruel one.

Mr. Moony is only when need be to teach a lesson on morals.

Mr. Prongs cedes with respect for Mr. Moony's efforts.

* * *

**Dear Marauders,**

**Last week I found a cute, little, black puppy outside my dorm and I gave it a bit of dog food. The poor thing looked so hungry...Unfortunately, since that day Sirius Black has been pranking me and insulting me. Do you think it is related?**

'**Puff Animal Lover**

Mr. Moony admits that giving Mr. Padfoot a de-aging potion was a bad idea.

Mr. Prongs also admits that daring Mr. Padfoot to try to sneak into the Hufflepuff dorms without the map was a bad idea.

Mr. Padfoot is only sorry that he was unsuccessful in his attempts to sneak into the Hufflepuff dorm's secret stash of pudding.

Mr. Prongs thinks that Mr. Padfoot means the girls' dorms when he says secret stash of pudding.

Mr. Padfoot does not argue with Mr. Prongs' pudding statement.

* * *

**To Messrs. Mooney, Padfoot, Wormtail, and Prongs:**

**Ever since this advice column was started things have been too quiet around here. I was wondering if we should be expecting a huge prank on the Slytherins.**

**Bored Firstie**

Mr. Moony regrettably informs Bored Firstie that the Marauders have moved on to experimental spell creation after running out of new ideas for pranks.

Mr. Padfoot encourages any one with new ideas to come forward with pudding and suggest them, but only if the Marauders have not used these ideas before.

* * *

**Dear Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs**

**Why is Mr. Moony so touchy about questions asking if he's gay? Seems kind of suspicious...**

**Rainbow**

Mr. Moony would like to state that it is no more suspicious than Mr. Padfoot's reaction to being called a male professional stick figure artist.

Mr. Padfoot would prefer that wasn't brought up without pudding.

Mr. Prongs thinks that the experimental pudding curse is absolutely hilarious.

Mr. Moony agrees, at the expense of Mr. Padfoot.

* * *

**Dear Mr. Moony,**

**What is your favorite book? And do you have any recommendations for a bored bookworm?**

**Reading Ravenclaw**

**P.S. Do you still have a girlfriend?**

Mr. Moony hates to disappoint, but does have a girlfriend.

Mr. Padfoot wouldn't mind dating Reading Ravenclaw with pudding.

Mr. Prongs is a huge fan of the experimental pudding curse.

* * *

**Messrs. Moony, Prongs, Padfoot and Wormtail,**

**How on earth did you discover my secret stash of pudding?**

**Professor Pudding**

Mr. Padfoot does remember that a side effect of the experimental pudding curse was an enhanced sense of smell for pudding.

Mr. Moony would also like to add that Mr. Wormtail does not need said side effects to know where all pudding stashes in the castle are, seeing as how Mr. Wormtail is the one and only Pudding Dictator.

Mr. Prongs would claim that due to the above evidence that he and Mr. Moony are not the pudding thieves.

Mr. Padfoot wonders why he is still a possible pudding thief.

Mr. Prongs wonders where Mr. Padfoot got the pudding that he is currently eating after the Slytherins apparently got the last of the pudding from the Secret Hogwarts Pudding Shrine.

Mr. Padfoot sees that Mr. Prongs has a very valid point, and thus claims that Mr. Wormtail did it in his desperate need for more pudding.

Mr. Moony thinks that Mr. Padfoot should not blame anyone who is not present to defend themselves.

Mr. Wormtail has pudding and therefore does not need to defend himself.

Mr. Padfoot think that Mr. Wormtail's logic is flawed.

Mr. Wormtail has pudding and therefore does not care.

Mr. Prongs wonders if Mr. Wormtail is still under the experimental pudding curse.

Mr. Padfoot made especially sure that a trip to the Secret Hogwarts Pudding Shrine would stop the experimental pudding curse.

Mr. Moony hopes that Mr. Padfoot is right, but thinks that Mr. Padfoot and Mr. Wormtail should return again to the Secret Hogwarts Pudding Shrine just to be sure.

Mr. Wormtail would gladly go to the place of pudding.

* * *

**Marauders,**

**Being Driven Crazy might know my sister. She's very social. That being said, she has gathered a lot of supporters for the Candy Allies. She is declaring all out war against the Nonbelievers next Hogsmeade visit - all of the shops are already putting up shields for the battle. I'm supposing the battle will be very sticky and candy-like. How do I avoid getting dragged into this? She already told me to buy fireworks, and everything Honeydukes has to offer. **

**Confused Ravenclaw**

Mr. Padfoot wonders why one would want to avoid a Candy Battle War Pudding.

Mr. Moony thinks that Mr. Padfoot needs to go to the Secret Hogwarts Pudding Shrine.

Mr. Prongs thinks that the best way to avoid anything is to paint purple spots on yourself, then go to the nurse and say you have Dragon Pox.

Mr. Moony recalls that quarantine is required for any student with Dragon Pox.

Mr. Prongs thinks it's an excellent plan.

* * *

**"Marauders"**

**I am informing you that I am still monitoring this "Advice Column". I am letting you know that I am horrified by the "advice" currently being administered. If you do not clean up your act, all four of you, yes you too Mr. Moony, will be in detention for the next fortnight.**

**Professor M. McGonagall**

Mr. Moony told the Marauders so.

Mr. Prongs admits that the Marauders should listen better to Mr. Moony.

Mr. Moony would like to inform Professor McGonagall that the Marauders are trying, but unfortunately are teenage boys, and do slightly fit the stereotype for such.

* * *

**Dear. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs,**

**I would like to know how Mr. Padfoot's identity has not yet leaked out to the rest of the castle as the many girls he meets would likely recognize his true identity on sight, would they not?**

**A very suspicious Ravenclaw**

Mr. Prongs would like to say that Mr. Padfoot's identity is one of the worst kept secrets of Hogwarts.

Mr. Moony would like to add that even Professor McGonagall knows Mr. Padfoot's identity.

Mr. Prongs would also like to state that the maintaining of the secret identities is purely for appearances and hilarity's sake.

Mr. Moony agrees that the Advice column would not be nearly as fun without the anonymity of secret code names.

Mr. Padfoot has once again lost Mr. Wormtail to the Secret Pudding Shrine of Hogwarts, and that his obsession does not fit the description of the experimental pudding curse.

Mr. Moony worries about Mr. Wormtail's sanity.

* * *

**Dear Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs, **

**Would you consider joining me for milk and cookies? We also have pudding. My agents in the castle are currently in possession of all the pudding to be found within a fifty kilometer radius. Doughnuts are not on the menu, but we do have some delicious steak, should it prove to be more enticing to those with certain curses.**

**The Mighty Lord Voldemort**

Mr. Wormtail, the Pudding Dictator Supreme, wants his pudding back!

Mr. Moony refuses the offer.

Mr. Prongs is slightly afraid to know that a Creepy Dark Lord has access to the Marauder's Advice Column.

Mr. Padfoot thinks lowly of food bribes.

Mr. Wormtail will join if and only if fifty megakilograms of pudding are delivered to the Pudding Sanctuary in five minutes or less.

Mr. Moony is appalled that Mr. Wormtail would consider such an offer.

Mr. Wormtail considers pudding to be above all else, good or evil.

Mr. Prongs is afraid for Mr. Wormtail's sanity.

Mr. Padfoot thinks that Mr. Wormtail is past being helped.

Mr. Moony does not think the Marauders should let Mr. Wormtail go.

Mr. Padfoot remembers the Marauder codex handed down since the first generation of Marauders.

Mr. Prongs thinks that the Marauders should call a conference with the castle bound Marauder and the castle bound Marionette.

Mr. Moony would motion to officially set the meeting at the Marauder Sanctus in a half hour.

* * *

_Author's Note_: Thank you all for reading. I'm sad that I am only human and couldn't include everything you submitted, but thank you so much for putting it out there. It really gives me some crazy ideas.

_Disclaimer_: They're not mine, but the experimental pudding curse is.


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